In sitting here alone, eating the dinner I just cooked it occurred to ask myself why exactly it is I’m in college. Not so long ago I got home from an ASPB meeting and event (aka from work), and then got comfortable, and all settled in. The whole washing dishes, cooking dinner part was mildly pleasant and I began to wonder why I couldn’t just live my life like that day to day. You know, out from work and the night is yours.
But no, instead I have to study for my Japanese midterm tomorrow. There’s no way I have time to be online (I’m procrasting atm, tbh), and no way there’s time to just *relax* after a rather semi-eventful day. And I want to relax. I don’t want to have to worry about completing homework, or doing well on the next quiz. There’s definitely a bit of stress right now. Except it’s more like ~a lot, and not just a bit.
Anyway, the logical response I came up with was that I’m here in college taking classes not because I rather be working my ass off than relaxing, as that is not the case at all, but because doing this now will help me do something I enjoy later on in life. And then I’ll be able to relax more comfortably than now (yannoe having money and all… haha). And I know I enjoy college life, but at the same time… I’m getting kind of tired of taking classes and studying nonstop. The whole process of getting homework done is tiring, and bothersome; it’s getting in the way of me simply enjoying my life.
And I’m too young to feel this burnt out, but I am. Not gonna lie, I’m just a tad bit lazy… but really, who wouldn’t rather do fun stuff over homework? Some are more dedicated than others. And it’s honestly just a matter of giving away some ~4 years (or more for grad school) in the hopes of gaining better years in return. But I’ve really just got this urge to go do my own thing and live my life the way I want it. This just isn’t reasonable, though. It’s doable, of course, but it’s not reasonable. I much rather fly with the wind. Maybe I’m too free-spirited for this.
Now there’s the problem of my plan sort of shattering to pieces. The goal was to become a Psych N.P., but now… it’s like… I don’t really care that much anymore. And I’m noticing all reasons why I’d be awful at it, including having to suffer through more years of school after this. If my aspiration is fading away so too will my motivation. And motivation is *always* something I could use more of, tbh. I need to find another aspiration FAST or reacquire my love for those superawesome crazy people. Helphelphelp. What do I do?
I dropped Psych 3 a few minutes ago so that in two weeks I’ll be done with summer school (when Japanese is over) instead of continuing for the entire duration of my vacation time. Maybe all I need is a little break. Time to focus on myself for a little while, and figure things out internally before proceeding.
Now if only I liked Mayra I’m sure she’d understand this feeling… but I don’t really like the girl so too bad for me on that one. What is the source of everyone’s motivation? I need to know, asap status.