A Moment of Sheer Panic

I’m calling Elizabeth right now. We talked just before I went to work, but our conversation was cut short because of that. Hm, she’s not answering. I hope she’s not asleep… but she didn’t tweet she was going to bed yet. *sigh* Ah well.

This entry really feels like a bullet point entry, but at the same time there’s a lot on my mind and I shouldn’t resort to a list entry.

I’ve been really happy lately. Sorta. It’s hard to explain. But I do feel like I’m just a breath away from breaking down. There’s this really awkward feeling that I’m holding up a facade and this whole ‘me being happy’ isn’t legit. Well, here’s what I mean: The more I hang out with David and Sandy the more “fake” I am (not to them), but just in the overall… My speech patterns are changing, my voice a lot pitchier, and the words coming out of my mouth are beyond silly. Not that there’s anything wrong with being silly, but it’s all so faaaake.

But at the same time the more fake I am (as in acting oblivious to any of life’s problems) the happier I am. It makes no sense at all… but that’s how it’s working out. So like, if you ~act~ happy then maybe you ~are~ happy? That just might be the secret to success. I haven’t been hardcore depressed for a few WEEKS now and that’s just mind-blowingly impressive.

I pass my time watching mindless TV, acting stupid/silly, and just carrying on as if I had no problems in the world. For some reason this sounds strangely like your ordinary college teen minus all the partying and drinking.

And, another thing – I can’t get over how “well-behaved” and “considerate” I was about two weekends ago with my family. You know typically I always get into an argument with either my mom, El, or Mary. But no… there were no arguments, no one got upset, the weekend went perfectly fine and we all hung out. Fuck, I even stayed over at El’s two extra days and we made pretty good companions. She and I ~always~ disagree and get really reaaaally mad at each other and one or the other storms off/leaves.

The reason I can’t get it off my mind is because there’s this panic, stress even, that with a single word or another weekend visiting them will make that all go away. It will make all the pleasant memories away and we’ll argue again and things just won’t be as perfect. And I don’t want to ruin anyone’s weekend… so I’m not going back home this weekend even though everyone suggested it/thought I would.

It’s like living on edge. At any moment something can go wrong. I’m living in fear a little bit. Things are going ~too~ well. Idk, I’m not used to it and so I’m totally stressing out about something I don’t have to be stressed over. *panics*

Yeahyeah… it’s 11:12pm and I better go on my bike ride soon. The darker/later it gets the colder/more awkward it is bike-riding… o_o;

As a side note: DAMN CODENAME MEGAN FOX. It’s healthy. But for two weeks I am going to feel fucking nauseous twice a day. Like forreal… ):

2nd side note: I really am kinda ~emo~ deeeeep down. But I’m not allowing myself a single moment of thought. I just can’t.

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1 Comment

  1. Hey Deller. Being happy isn’t about having everything go perfect (ie: not having problems or arguments).

    If you feel happy it’s probably because you are at the moment. You’re not putting a facade, though, I do have a feeling that you may be anxious about the happiness actually “ending”, which is why you miiiight think it’s juts you trying to cover up “life’s problems” (like you mentioned).

    I mean, big or not, problems are always going to exist. That’s just the way life is. Don’t just brush off feelings of happiness as imaginary. If you’re happy embrace it!! Don’t take it like, waiiit this can’t be real. CUS IT IS! ^_^

    If you were faking being happy, I don’t think you’d be questioning it. You’d KNOW it.

    Like you said, you’re surprised that youh aven’t been depressed in weeks. That’s probably because you HAVE been happy / are happy. 🙂

    And like I said at the beginning of this comment: happiness isn’t about everything going perfect.

    Being happy… idk, just is!

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