What brings you closer to complete?

I finished my stats hw at 7pm after which I promptly got out all my Japanese hw to start… way early, I know! Typically this stuff doesn’t get done until near bedtime or even in the morning (since class isn’t until 11am). But 30 minutes past the hour I looked down at my hw and I realized I hadn’t even started it. There’s too much on my mind.

Maybe the reason why I have such a bad memory is because I don’t like memories. They make me sad.

Wow, okay so i was just wringing my hands together from slight anxiety at the thought of typing this next bit:

I don’t want to say I’m depressed because 1) it may not be true [yet] 2) it’s admitting a problem 3) it’s a weakness. Whenever I think of professing some really serious emotion on my blog I instantly think of a scenario (that actually did happen once) where I’m happy for a long period of time and then the next day I’m miserable. And someone (anyone) reads my blog, but only the entry in which I profess depression and then they see me as weak, vulnerable, a sad pathetic person, etc. It’s like… you missed out on all the good days! Why come on the day that I portray myself as depressed? This actually happened and it was pretty embarrassing for me. Life has been great… it really has, so I don’t want to go around chanting depression.

Except yeah… well I don’t know. I’m breaking down a little bit. Things are starting to get to me. I anger easily. Everything is depressing, no matter which way I spin it. Memories are hurting me. UGH. This is so not pleasant.

Honestly, I’m *trying* to focus on homework but thoughts are coming in waaay too fast and too many. The return to normalcy is so tempting, if only it were that easy! I want to be able to do a simple task and FOCUS without all these depressing thoughts.

And I’m thinking long-term again. Always a bad thing. Always. My future looks bleak, that’s for sure. But if I don’t think about it I can live day by day and it’s okay.

Everyone else is everything that I’m not.

Internal conflict. I’m fighting two different thoughts in my head. Should I go home for Thanksgiving? Should I not? Reasons for both. UGH. Mother kept asking me why I was at the new house (she’s not making me feel welcome, and something like, “When you first went to college you weren’t living with me so why do you want to come here now?”), but then if I don’t go for a holiday of course I will be the rude one and then everyone will be mad at me. Why am I thinking this far ahead in advance? It’s 20 some such days away.

Sheesh, it’s almost like I give myself things to stress about.

Empty fields move me so much more than rooms filled up with friends.

Ugh, don’t get me started on friends… or the lack of, lately.

Heart-strutter needs a new layout. There isn’t enough time in the day. Asdf!! Let me find some inspiration and then I’ll get back to this new layout business. *sigh*

Morbid diathesis.

For you, my heart, ripped from my chest. Eviscerated, I am. And if I could, I would plunge my fingers through my chest and rip out my heart and give it to you. A pulpy mass of morbid diathesis. In addition to my heart, there are some small organs that I want to give you: glands… sweetbreads… a variety of meats. I’m offering these gifts. Rare gifts. I know that they don’t amount to much in the face of what you’ve given me. I’ve heard these organs can’t survive outside the body for more than a few hours. But I’ll try to get there as soon as I can. Whatever happens, it will be on me. On my heart.

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2 Comments

  1. It’s unfortunate that depression has such a stigma. I also think it’s unfortunate the lax way people say “I’m depressed” when really they’ve only had 1 bummer day. Having gone through a depression when I was young, I suppose my views are a bit biased. But all I can think, though I know it doesn’t help, is that you shouldn’t care or worry if some new blog reader thinks you’re THAT PERSON because you’re not and it’s so hard to show who you are, 100%, online. People just take the bits & pieces they want.

    I’m going to recommend a favorite book of mine, I first read it when I was a teen & it helped move me out of a bad time. I re-purchased it as an adult to help me stay on track and not start the self-deprecation that can sometimes plague me. *You Can Be Happy No Matter What.* The title sounds sappy, but the book is more about theology on thought process rather than just telling you to “think positive.”

    Jens last blog post..Happy Halloween!!

  2. Hi, you said you were feeling sad since I wasn’t coming over so I thought I’d better come for a visit!

    I think I remember us talking here about your sort of internal/external conflicts with emotion at times? Did we? Actually, I don’t think we did. I think I wrote this big, ginormous comment and there was some kind of error message and it wouldn’t send.

    Anyway, I am kind of curious about that for all of the reasons that you listed. Being depressed doesn’t have to be this badge you wear on your sleeve (unless you want it to be–and I’m talking advocacy here.) However, I don’t think there is anything “wrong” in admitting how you feel. So let’s start there and maybe take a bit of the stigma away from the “label?”

    However, for the sake of “understanding” and brevity here, I’m going to use it. Depression is a beast that will be with you/us forever. That is as a MDD or Bipolar dx. There are some forms that are transient for Depression. For example, some kind of life trauma and then someone may receive therapy and/or meds for a year and be fine. For others (like us?) we have a chronic condition. So, it sucks royally but we have to accept it and embrace it. It’s certainly not a warm and fuzzy teddy bear but in doing so, it’s another step to recovery or stability–whichever you choose to phrase it. Some people use either word.

    I hope that makes some kind of sense. You know how out of it I am.

    patientanonymouss last blog post..“I love the smell of desperation in the morning…”

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