In Coherent Words

(lol @ ze title~ Just finished writing this in my moleskine, but I think it’s important enough to put on my blog. 7 pages in my moleskine, btw… I better get to typing!)

My depression is back. Not only that but once again I want so badly to die. That is different from being suicidal, mind you. There is no inner strength in me to pull off a stunt like that. Can’t I just get some sort of terminal illness? That way I could say, “Fuck college, fuck all these people that I hate, fuck everything,” and go do what I really want (to travel). I’m honestly so sick of being in school. I am not thriving here, my grades are mostly awful, and I have never been more confused in my life.

UCSB is a research-based university. I cannot stress that enough. Well, I don’t give a fuck about research. I wanted to be psychologist to help people better cope with their life issues. You know, a humanitarian view on all of this. And UCSB is completely sucking away all the passion I had for the field of psychology. Not to mention I do poorly in all the psych classes. Yeah it’s sort of from lack of trying but that’s because I have no interest anymore. None.

And now it almost feels like one of those “oh shit” moments where it’s too late to turn around. The damage has been done, so to speak.

So here I am in college spending thousands of dollars, and I don’t know why I am here. People attend college to earn a degree and it’s a stepping stone to better things. But, I don’t want the damn degree I came here to earn and if I had to choose another right away – none that are useful to me come to mind. And as for better things ahead I don’t even know what I want. When there is no target I can’t aim!

Okay, take a breather. Philosophy. I love it. I get it. I excel in it. And… it’s also guaranteed unemployment. What, am I going to philosophize my way into a job?! Yeah uhm… no. Film. I like film. Except the major is closed (I think) and I don’t want to work in anything film related. Literature. I like/enjoy reading it, sure. My essays aren’t bad, and if it’s a good read the essays are even fun to write! And yet no way in hell do I want to teach. Also, I’m not going to write any book. My skills and creativity don’t extend that far. So… fuck, what’s left? Sociology? I’m more interested in individuals than collective societies.

My rant is going nowhere, as is very clear to me. But I knew that from the start. I’m running out of options here. How do I proceed?

There are a few sure things I have always wanted out of life:

  • A lot of money
  • A big house
  • Pet cat and dog

I have a feeling that if I keep writing I’m eventually going to stumble upon what’s really bothering me. But I’ll write everything else first.

Ok, so I need a high-paying job. Requisite: DEGREE. *groans* I already decided that med-school is not for me. Trust me, I would end up killing myself on day 1. Okay, and if I have to attend grad school (which many psych majors do, to do anything with their degrees) then what’s the point?

Something I never considered until now, strangely enough: office job. But I mean like a really tall building, always busy, time-/life-consuming office job. That sounds exciting. Lmao. God, I’m crazy. I may be the only person alive to think something like that. And yet it’s true, that excitement I feel. (Too bad it’s also not guaranteed a lot of money…)

I’m always in such a hurry to grow up (oh here we go – this is the intro). Nothing about teen life appeals to me. And especially I hate being a fucking kid. (There I said it.)

—, my best friend, the one who said she would wait until marriage, had sex and was two months pregnant. She recently had an abortion.

is was the only person I could talk to about my problems and not feel like I was excessively whiny, like  my problems were real. Meaningful, even. And now I realize everyone else is actually *living* their lives while I sit here and contemplate the bloody mind-body problem or the ethics of who-knows-what. But now we can’t commiserate with one another about how everyone is growing up so fast. She crossed the border and I feel so alone, as the last remaining child. It’s sort of like, “Hah, sucker, you have no life experience.”

So many people, by my age, have had handfuls of relationships, drink! (even though it’s illegal), tried or do drugs, have sex, etc. etc. If, for example, say that these are by definition characteristics of what it means to be an adult then I am not one of them. Mind you, I don’t want to do any of those things (okay well a relationship is whatever – but that’s a completely separate topic for another rainy day), but I still want to be an adult.

The problem may lie in my definition of adult. But, look around. When I tell people I’ve done none of those things (and don’t want to [i.e. don’t want to drink]), they look at me like a fucking 5th grader with a small “aww” to accompany it. But hell, even 5th graders have bfs/gfs. *sigh* I’m not going to compromise my beliefs to be like everyone else but that still saddens me.

Age is nothing but a number. While my age may indicate I’m an adult I’m still living in Neverland. And I can cry and cry and cry, but I think I’m trapped here.

Last night, after talking to —, I couldn’t stand it anymore: the sickening familiarity of my bed. So I went for a bike ride. And I found a lovely circular courtyard with all these benches. A picturesque scene really. Christmas-lighted trees, and several empty benches except one. There I was, crawling into myself, hugging my knees and crying.

My only thought:
I want to die.

Okay so it’d be a lie to say that was my *only* thought. But it was the main one. It also occurred to me that I whine so damn much, and it’s not warranted. The problems are all in my head because you know what? Children don’t have problems. I don’t have any experience in anything life-related and I’m still depressed?

My best friend just had an abortion and I’m wishing death upon myself over lack of decisiveness?! It wasn’t making sense. And still, it doesn’t.

I have no right to feel anything. And! Now I know why I think emotions are weak: I’m weak for feeling them because they’re uncalled for. There is no reason to be so depressed.

This sounds uplifting almost, but rest easy because it’s only propelled me into an even further depression. And! This is why I want a terminal illness; if I were dying there’d be a rhyme and reason for my depression. My thoughts of wanting to end the misery would be warranted.

Alas, I do not have a terminal illness and I am still miserably alive. When will life throw me something to really warrant my depression?

Honestly I’ve hardly eaten this week. I’m still not hungry. There is no enjoyment in anything anymore.

All I wanted was your love.

[A dramatic ending. Love it. Damn, but I’m still not done. That’s why I wanted to write everything else first. *sigh*]

I’m not going home for Thanksgiving. My mother doesn’t want me there. I could QUOTE her text messages here, but why bother? I’ve already accepted her dislike for me. Though I’m not so sure why I still feel as though magically one day everything will be okay. It’s the child-like thing I was talking about. Extreme naivete, or whatever people call it these days. It’s not masochism, that I can assure you of.

Then I started crying in the shower because I always invite my family but no one ever wants to come visit me. I thought about calling Aunt Meme and just imagining the usual “No, I’m busy” response made me cry. Of course everyone is busy. Everyone else is an adult, living their lives. Yet again I am stuck in this damn rut. *sigh*

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

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8 Comments

  1. That is not right, regardless of if they are adults or not, family should see family. 😡 Family that could care less about each other (or rather one particular person) is the one thing that sickens me most. The same crap goes one in my own family, family members hating and “busying” themselves just because they have their own obscure reasons. I’m sorry for getting mad on your blog, but darn it, if I was your family and you asked to visit, the only way I wouldn’t would be if I was in the hospital. Everyone only has one true family, and to brush them off like that is dispicable.

    Sorry, that just made me mad. Too bad I don’t know you well enough or leave near you, I’d invite you out to a Thanksgiving dinner or something! :mrgreen:

  2. Hi, I just want you to know that I came by and had a read. I also have some things to say but I have an early morning tomorrow and should probably get some rest. Not only is it going to be an early morning but then the headache of class and then J. wanting to have dinner and a movie and god knows when the hell I’ll get home!

    However, I want you to know that this is a very good post. If you can just hang tight for a bit, I’ll be back and tell you why. But for starters, you are an adult and not a child. Those “your age” that are running around drinking, having sex, whatever…that doesn’t mean shit! By you making your own responsible choices? That is more “adult” behaviour than most “adults” do. Please. I see people running around that are my age, a bit younger or even a lot older being so irresponsible it’s absolute madness!

    So, I’ll just start with that and I’ll get back to you okay?

    patientanonymouss last blog post: Project Icon Winners Announced

  3. Oh and hey…my last blog post here is linking to some WP thread! That’s pretty weird! I just posted about MP3 of the Moment and my latest streamed songs on my blog! How could I possibly post a WP thread? HA!

  4. Hi, back now. I have a bit of time before class so I’m trying to eat something (carefully…no spillage on baby MacBook!) and I’ve got a good signal in the place.

    Where do I begin?

    Bipolar isn’t “terminal” but it is a chronic illness so wanting to die (or being suicidal) is part of the package. It’s never going to go away. Hell, I’ve been suicidal when stable! A bit hard to understand, perhaps but true. So, as I see it, what you are feeling is completely “normal” (don’t like that word as you can’t define it but I’ll use it here.) Sure, you may not feel like you are “actively” suicidal as I like to say but you are down enough that you don’t actually care if you live or die or further, you wish you were dead. You just won’t act upon it.

    You are completely entitled to bitch, moan, complain…however, you are not whining! Not at all! We all need to get things off our chests! If we didn’t and held things inside, we’d complete explode!

    Further, again, we have talked about this before. You feel you have no right to your emotions because they make you feel weak. That is pure bullshit if I may be blunt. We are all human and as much as emotions are quite inconvenient at times, too bad for us! We are not robots. Yes, it would lovely to turn them off but we can’t. I also dislike the silly, dumb (in my opinion) yin-yang reference but there are positive emotions as well. I know when we are feeling like crap, we nutcases despise it when someone says, “Oh, don’t worry…you’ll get past it and feel better eventually.” We can’t stand it because all we can see in the moment is how crappy we feel. We can’t see the forest for the trees.

    I have spoken to other people who feel that they are somehow disenfranchised and not “allowed” to feel that they are mentally ill or what not because their family are in denial so they are trapped. It is sad. Again, because we all need an outlet. We can not be isolated. I do not know if this is the case for you. But what I do see is that you are isolating yourself by not “allowing” yourself to be entitled to feel. You are a smart girl. You should not deprive yourself of your emotions.

    School? I am sorry you are not happy with it. Sometimes it is hard to cope. Boy, do I know that. I’ve tried so many times to get through uni. and failed each and every time. Is there any chance you could go to another one that would suit you better? If not, persevere. Keep trying and stick with it. As I said before, you are a smart girl. Screw the research aspect. Turn it around and make it creative. I studied Arts and the one thing I learned about uni. is that if you simply prove your point in any way, you get your results and good marks.

    Also, I remember reading on a doctor’s blog (who is not mentally ill) who had to go through a really rough transitional phase to get where she wanted to really go and she was very scared. So maybe you could also think of this as exactly that, too. A transitional phase or a stepping stone?

    Interesting other choices that you are thinking about. I can not tell you what to do with your career path. That is entirely up to you. But if you really want to study psychology and become a psychologist etc… then stick to your guns. If you feel you have a calling, then it will be worth it to tough it out.

    Family? What can I say? They can really suck. Mine sure does so you are not alone there!

    I already covered the “adult” stuff too. You are smart and you make your choices and stick to your guns there as well. That is more “adult and mature than so many people out there!

    Alright, did I cover everything? Does it make any sense?

    patientanonymouss last blog post: MP3 of the Moment Series!

  5. Tbh Bri, i dont really know where to start with this post… i mean on one hand i dont know what its like to be bipolar…to feel the ups and downs of it i guess is what i mean… but i do know what its like to be completely and desperately depressed… and i think this post, this ranting …. letting out all these emotions..putting them in perspective and making an effort to decipher them, is well.. healthy… maybe im not making any sense…. but i think its immensly important to let these feelings out. i can tell that your fear of looking weak..of showing emotion… makes you keep it all locked up inside… i respectfully disagree with you there though… emotions arent weak… they are what truly keep us alive.

    i know the whole school scenario must be incredibly difficult…. i couldnt handle it tbh … i dropped out my second semester in college… but then again i never felt like i had a purpose there…. never even an idea for a major.. i truly just did not give a fuck about school or a career.. i was dumb…. and now life has started for me outside of school, now i wish i could go back…even if it was for a music degree, which really is pretty much useless in the “real” world… but id at least be doing something i loved. i think you need to tough this year out …. i know you will end up regretting it if you dont. if its too much after this semester…then why Dont you travel? whats stopping you? where do you want to travel? who knows you might find your true calling somewhere else…

    as far as you not being an adult ..come one give me a break 😛 your bit as much an adult as i am, as all those other people with those “life experiences”… as much as your mom… and not to be insulting but from what youve said about her i think you might act like an adult much more than she seems to…. i really think you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. and i also think you need to let yourself open up to somebody..even if its just this blog… i think it will help you find the answers you’re looking for…..
    :mrgreen: maybe its time for you to go watch twilight again and eat some pho hehe

    Eds last blog post: The Gentlemen

  6. I hope you no longer have these lingering feelings of wanting to die. If you still have them from time to time, then it is best to talk to an on-campus counselor. He or she might be able to help you sort out these destructive recurring feelings. What I gather from your latest entries, life seems to be going well for you and you seem to be enjoying yourself. So perhaps this entry, as well as these feelings, was just a spur of the moment thing? Did you feel better after having written it? But more importantly, do you still feel this way?

    Psychology is a difficult field, and I can’t stress that enough. It requires more work (coursework, research, field experience, etc…) than any other academic program, but the payoff is definitely not that great. Sometimes the payoff is not even worth it. I often find myself beyond frustrated, like I should just give up and quit, but it’s only a momentary thing. I’ve put in so much time, energy, and effort already, and to quit now would only make me more miserable because it’s too late to change course. And I would have changed my course if I had known that Psych was this consuming. I don’t mean to sound so dejected, but the truth is if you want a future in Psych, you still have a long road ahead. I didn’t get to where I am today just by having a degree.

    Research is not as bad as people make it sound. The work may be less interesting and more of a collaboration, but it’s less consuming than clinical or counselling, and there’s less paperwork to worry about. The hours are flexible because it’s a 9 to 5 job, with weekends and vacations included in your contract. You’ll almost always have funding from a big university to fall back on, you don’t get sued, and you don’t have to worry about patients dying under your care. You also don’t have to be on-call or have patients calling you in the middle of the night for emergency therapy sessions.

    It’s just something to think about. Talk to your advisors–they’ll have more to say on this subject.

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