DayNovember 23, 2008

What happens when he doesn’t love you?

Title just a little bit of a thought. Most movies and novels portray people falling in love… So long as one person takes an interest the other person is just bound to reciprocate the emotion. There’s like 0 chance of failure. I don’t know… it bothers me.

So why am I blogging nonstop? I have a lot to say and no one to say it to, that’s why. Writing out my silly little thoughts is the one and only escape during a time when my thoughts run rampant (cold seasons).

So if you don’t mind
I think I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve,
‘Cause I’m tired of not being able to bleed.

My mother keeps emailing and calling for me to go home for Thanksgiving now that she knows I don’t want to go since she made me feel so unwelcome. To explain the situation she basically said we don’t get along so she hopes I don’t come over for the weekends to torture her. Then I said that [if that was the case] then I wouldn’t be going for Thanksgiving. And then she realized she sort of fcked up. She tried calling me, and I just said I wasn’t going and she launched into a stream of insults about how I like to make myself a victim. *sigh* Okay, I did NOT go around calling any family members for some sort of support or backing or anything. I know better than to try to get them to side with me over my mother. They just don’t get involved (much to my disappointment). So how am I making myself out to be a goddamn victim?! I’m not *looking* actively for any sort of sympathy.

Anyway, so yesterday she transferred money into my bank account and emailed me telling me so. Let it be known she does not pay for a single cent of my college education. She is completely uninvolved in my life, basically. So I emailed her back, “Thanks, I appreciate it.” What poor college student doesn’t appreciate money, right? That was that. Then she emails me again today, rather suspiciously optimistically and cheerfully, that she hopes I make it and how we can go shopping on Friday, and something about getting me an early Christmas present.

I haven’t replied yet. *sigh* If I go it’s like saying, “Yeah you can insult me all you want and you can still get your way!” Going would be like giving in and showing that I’m not entirely serious in saying something like “I am not going home for the holiday then.” And she will have won. But I feel bad because she keeps asking me to go now. Sure, any readers out there can think, “Oh she feels bad now, you should go,” but it’s not that simple! This woman abused me throughout my childhood – physically, verbally, emotionally – and I don’t know how much more I can take. And my little brother really wants me to go. For him, I should just go right? Ugh… but I don’t want her to WIN and get her way yet again.

But it will also set a nasty precedent if I don’t go. I may not go for winter break then if I don’t go for Thanksgiving. What will have changed from one holiday to the next right?

All signs are pointing to: Take the abuse and forget about it. Keep coming back for more. Always. (If I’m ever in a relationship I swear I won’t be surprised if it’s an abusive one.)

I’m so fucked. *sigh* I don’t knooooow.