Reading about depression and bipolar disorder in my Abnormal Psychology textbook is getting me depressed. It’s showing the inevitability of the return of my symptoms despite being depression-free for a year. I’m trying to recall this past year and honestly it’s been wiped from my memory. I don’t remember the non-depression (the symptom-less good days). I don’t remember … anything. Every so often I suffer through these memory “resets” – and I’m pretty sure I’ve blogged about this at some point or other; though no one believes me. Events, places, people – they all seem so far away. It’s like all progress is lost. The decisions I made, I can’t remember why I made them. The place I am at today, I can’t remember how I got here. What happened this entire year? I just lost a year of my life. Should I be upset? No, I’m pretty apathetic.
I think some symptoms are coming back. And that’s why I’m realizing that my memory just reset. Everything and everyone agitates my fragile ever-changing mood. I don’t want to bother dealing with anyone. Friends are useless. Or at least that’s the mindset that I’m in, despite that statement not really honestly holding true.
I’m so tired. I need coffee every single day to function. Lethargy is a no-good drag. Ugh. I couldn’t even wake up on time to attend swim class for two weeks! I’m back on that though, because I loooove swimming class. It makes me feel so good, it brightens my day, and it’s giving me a bomb ass tan. (:
The fact that I can even write right now is a sign of the return of my symptoms. For the longest I couldn’t blog because I had nothing to say – I was symptom-less, I wasn’t memorizing all that I did. The memories are all gone now, and I wasn’t even able to capture any of it in a blog entry.
Here we go again.