Heart-Strutter.org

I know you spent your money to see
What you hear on cd
They say what doesn’t kill the soul will make it harder
But you can’t be a stone hearted man

This isn’t just a waste of time, addictions made me smarter
But you can’t be high all the time (high all the time)

Do you realize that you apologize,
When it’s not your fault, cause were all fucked up.
And do you really think that it’s worth it,
To be all worried about time

Cause I know what you want, I think I know, I think I know what you want
I know you spent your money to see what you hear on cd

They say what doesn’t kill the soul will make it harder
But you can’t be a stone hearted man
This isn’t just a waste of time, addictions made me stronger
But you can’t be stoned all the time

Do you realize that you apologize, when it’s not your fault,
Cause were all fucked up
And do you really think that it’s worth it,
To be all worried about time, worried about time
Cause I know what you want, I think I know, I think I, I think I know, I think I,
I think I know, what you want, what you want

-Stonehearted Man, Anthony Green

Over one, into one. All while battling against time.

It all makes no sense.

I know you spent your money to see What you hear on cd They say what doesn’t kill the soul will make it harder But you can’t be a stone...

Hold my breath ’till communication is only just a test.

This week… in review. No, I’m not sad about it. I’m bordering on ambivalence to be perfectly honest. Should I be upset or feel foolish? Probably a bit of both, hence the ambivalence. Theme of the week: humility. Never presume anything.

WORK. Oh goodness, I love working. Going to work brings such joy to my life! There’s the strutting into Lush where the amazing smell of handmade natural soap is intoxicating. There’s the serious walk into Sephora and pushing that back door inward with a face full of fierce ass makeup. Time flies at both Lush and Sephora, in the most amazing way. There isn’t any pressure to “look” busy because there’s actually shit to do (and I feel good doing these things). By the end of the day, when I’m coming back home I just feel accomplished and pumped to hang out with friends after a day at WORK, yannoe. It’s that youthful feeling of maturity (but I doubt that makes any effing sense, except to me).

I always do so much better when I’m able to BALANCE more than one thing at a time. School. Work. Work. Friends. It’s like routine, with a twist. After a day of work you come home and then people wanna hang and so that goes on late into the night, and the days feel so much longer, more productive. By comparison before it’d be sitting at home watching TV (doing nothing) and then friends come over to hang (and you do more nothing together). So now that latter non-productivity feels merited because I went to WORK. Most definitely, working equals to independence and maturity – two things I obsess over remarkably.

This shall be the season of GLITTER. (:

Hold my breath ’till communication is only just a test. This week… in review. No, I’m not sad about it. I’m bordering on ambivalence to be perfectly honest. Should I...

I’m depressed.

Accepting that there is a problem is a step in the right direction.

There is no reason whatsoever for me to be depressed. Except using a depressant a little too often. Silly me, of course it has repercussions. But that’s why I’ve been battling over the decisions I’ve been making. There is nothing justifiable about my decisions. Yet, I continue to make the same stupid decision without bothering to think ahead.

I feel so censored right now. And I’m not down with that.

Live life. Go through all the steps of every day. I’ve not been doing that. I fall asleep before I can get to any of the necessary daily duties. Even eating has taken a backseat some days. Sleep is important, but not important enough that I am so behind on absolutely everything!

Let me make a to-do list so I’m not just reaching out into the dark, wondering what I should be doing instead.

• Comp Lit 31 Essay (5 pages, due Monday)
• Research for essay
• Catch up on reading for Comp Lit 31
• Read Stoker’s Dracula by Tuesday/Thurs.
• Go to work almost every day… time-consuming, but I asked for this.
• Read for Philosophy! (I can get this one done, I think)
• Read for Ital 179X… some novel… I don’t even know which one.
• Read a novel for Comp Lit 31 by the 16th?

Mostly a lot of reading… but that essay is stressing me out. Essays are usually the easiest. It’s take-home, come on, no big deal. But, I hate the prompt and the reading is so tedious and requires research (never ever down to research for school- I hate this with a passion).

Oh by the way, please don’t bring up this entry to me in person. I don’t like talking about my depression. It comes and it goes, there is no explanation for it. I’m still going to look happy and bubbly, so don’t interrupt my flow with questions. I don’t know why I am sad, and I’ve accepted that. Thank you, that is all.

Topic of future consideration: accomplishments. When I hear that word all I think of is Circa Survive’s The Difference Between Medicine and Poison Is In The Dose: “They pulled me in, but accomplishments are transient.”

I’ll play catch up tomorrow. I have no energy to do anything with my day (once again).

I’m depressed. Accepting that there is a problem is a step in the right direction. There is no reason whatsoever for me to be depressed. Except using a depressant a...