The cut runs deeper than the eyes can see. No matter how hard I try to express it through my eyes, my face, my words – there is only silence and stillness. From some tragedies we never can recover. Resignation is the ultimate hurt when no other options lie before you. Resigned to resign. It feels like ______. Uncomfortable silence and wordlessness. Should someone reach out to me, a spark of electricity will ignite and set you on fire. Bordering on dangerous land. Just the point before it burns.
This isn’t depression; this is sadness, an altogether much more difficult emotion to explain. There are no premade lists on what ‘sadness’ should feel like and so I cannot express the things that I am longing to say, the feelings swirling within me.
Rarely in my recent past have I ever taken to putting myself down. No one should ever do that. But, I still have to question, what are my shortcomings? These must inevitably be the source of my indefinite bad ‘luck’ (to put it vaguely).
And so I commence a list. The last time I made a list like this I had to try hard to separate myself from the meaning. And I read this list to someone. They had absolutely nothing to say in regards to it afterward. Truth and honesty are irrefutable.
- I am not as tall as most women. Exuding class and appeal are much more difficult when legs don’t go on for days.
- Emotional starvation comes off in my voice when I’m really trying to accomplish something. No one appreciates this.
- I am not as thin as I should be, and thus don’t live up to my potential prettiness.
- Rarely do I divulge emotions. Not many people know me as a result.
- I pretend so much. Pretend to be happy, pretend to be okay, pretend to be strong, pretend to know what I want, pretend to know what I’m doing. There’s so much pretending, if you really knew how I felt you’d crumble inside with me.
Forget everything you saw. “For everybody else’s sake.”