Todo esta bien.
YouTube Direct height="155"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDgBFpzDsDw[/youtube
1 am. I need to sleep. Work ALL day tomorrow. At both Lush and Sephora. 11am to 11:30pm. Honestly, I have no idea why I agreed to pick up the Lush shift. I almost picked up a shift tonight, after having worked for 7 days in a row. I was sick for about 3 weeks, from lack of rest. It took every ounce of strength to say no to today’s shift. I needed a day off. To relax, watch movies, meditate, etc. Impulsively, I will say yes to everything.
It’s too late to take a bubble bath. I get so much reading done when I take baths. That’s the only way I can ~focus~ instead of multi-tasking every which way with the 20+ tabs I have open, with far too many mental notes.
Leonardo Favio has been my jaaaam for over a week now. His music was from the 60s/70s, Argentinian singer. Just listen.
Contradicting statements:
- I wish people were still emotional enough to warrant carrying handkerchiefs with them.
- Emotions are weak.
- I feel like crying for everyone that’s ever been sad, for everyone that’s ever had it rough, for everyone that’s ever been lonely.
- I can’t cry.
No matter what, I don’t want to be emotionally vulnerable. Already I told Sebastian too much about how I feel.
Sometimes I don’t know if I suppress my emotions or if I just don’t have any. The former seems the likely culprit. For so long I have told myself that it is not okay to let anyone or anything affect me that I automatically try to suppress every emotion. And then when finally I allow myself to feel, I feel so much I can’t even breathe. Anger, love, sympathy, caring, hate. I feel them so intensely it hurts.
I’m finally over __. What’s funny is that CBD had to replace __ in order for me to be over the latter.
When someone asks me how I’m doing, I never go into details. And yet I get upset when people blab on and on about themselves and don’t let me speak, as if I would share anything even if they did ask. I always get upset no one gives enough of a fuck to ask for details. If you ask, I’ll answer. But, no one asks anything at all. I think that’s where I get my mentality that “no one cares.” It’s difficult enough for me to “open up” – I get so uncomfortable even just thinking about it. No one even knows. (I’ve made no progress.)
“You can’t even tell me what’s under the stupid tarp.”
I can’t.
My mouth seals shut and I get so hesitant.
People always assume I’m okay, that I’m strong, that I’m ~so~ prepared and fearless, that nothing can bring me down. Look closer, please. It’s all a facade. I’ve never been so weak, so scared.
I start to say what I mean, what I feel, and then I can’t. No one cares.
Why am I such a contradictory hypocrite?
Nobody’s here with me.