MonthApril 2010

How to get back to the place.

At some point I have to address my problem. It’s been a little over a year since it started, you could say. Because of who I know reads my blog there is this incredible urge to make this entry private so that I can just spill it without worrying or I could just go on blabbing in this vague way, and that’s what I think I’m going to do…

Feel free to stop reading here.

It’s come to my attention that DP doesn’t approve of my … I mean what should I call it? Habit? New habit. No, ugh that just sounds bad. My new extracurricular activity? Lol… wtf. Anyway, the disapproval is getting to me. I’ve been ignoring that what I’m doing is wrong, and goes completely against who I am. Yet here I am, partaking in this activity several times a day or daily somewhat. I mean, it’s NOT daily but it seems that way. I did stop completely for a bit over three months, but then when I start again it’s … pretty consistently happening. Though I don’t think it’s been interfering with anything I do, it’s still wrong. I shouldn’t try in any way to justify it.

My freshman self would never have thought that I’d be partaking in something like this. It’s just not who I am. I mean, or is it?

The question is whether I’m ready to accept this as part of my identity or throw it out. I wish I could say that I want to stop, that I’m ready to move on yadda yadda. The real deal is that I’m only getting started and I want to find out what more there is to this new part of my identity.

Real talk. It helps pass the time. At some point, I get very tired of consciously feeling the time trickling slowly while I waste away doing absolutely nothing. So enter this activity that helps me NOT notice the time. Geezus, if anyone is reading this I wonder what you think it is. Lmao. Yeah, it’s an escapist sort of thing to do. For a really long time, I haven’t been able to face anything… I think I’m acting how MOST people act, though. MOST people don’t dwell on “emo” shit and ponder why they feel such and such. I’ve hit that stage in my life where I just dgaf. Yet I know that my addictive personality is going to lead me astray with this shit. I’m trying to think about THIS now, while I still can.

It’s really hard to talk to anyone about this. Most people don’t think anything OF IT when they do this. It’s just a thing to do. But I’m starting to worry that I’m falling victim to boredom. There is no excuse. But, that’s just assuming that what I’m doing is inexcusable. Is that really the case? How is it any different from something else most of America partakes in? AHHHHH I am so confused.

CONFESS.

Recap

It’s time for another one of those bullet pointed lists due to lack of time, lack of coherent thoughts, yadda yadda.

  • I miss Paris. I didn’t really like Rome quite as much, though their food is beyond amazing.
  • I tried frog legs and escargot in Paris and loooved them both. (: It’s just harder to find a good restaurant.
  • Got really fucking drunk for the first time in my life two weekends ago. Was super beyond hungover at work the next day, threw up, pretended it was a stomach flu and went home. Then slept for 14 hours. Then went home for Easter.
  • My weekends are getting a little ridiculous. (LOVELOVELOVE IT)
  • Celebrated Edgar’s 21st birthday on Saturday in LA at a Mexican restaurant called El Cholo.
  • On the way there, got into a car accident. There was stop and go traffic on the freeway and at this point I was completely stopped for a few seconds. Next thing you know, dumb bitch on the phone hits the back of my car (while she’s going mid-70s mph), in which I hit the car in front of me and they hit the car in front of them. It was a hot fucking mess, and I’m really more irritated by it than anything. I’ll be carless as they fix it but naturally I’ll still have to go to WORK. UGH!
  • Got back home Sunday at 5am after a fucking random ass trippy hang with Piale and David in Downey. Then yannoe, woke up after a few hours and went to work. Lmao.
  • I’ve resolved to volunteer this quarter and hopefully on into summer and onwardssss.
  • My work hours are getting in the way of volunteering opportunities or attending graduate school workshops.
  • I’m so torn between prioritizing. What comes first? School or work? I mean, I need to work to pay off school but I can’t even completely focus on school because of work. I don’t know what to do sometimes.
  • While I do stress over financial things… paying the bills, rent (esp. since I’m living in a house next year, had to do a deposit, etc.), I do take enjoyment out of figuring out numbers.

How I hate being what I consider a “jack of all trades.” I’m above average at a great many things, but not exceptional at any one thing. My family sat around the jacuzzi and we discussed starting from me down to all the children what they envisioned our future careers to be, and as I was first – I was there and listened. The ideas ranged from writer to medical field to technological expertise to who knows what. Those are all so wildly different. I’m graduating at the end of this calendar year. There are only a few months to go before my safety net (school) is gone. I don’t have to decide anything while I’m here in school because most of my waking hours aren’t spent working a job. But then you know, I’ll have all this time… PANIC.

It’s hard enough as it is to find a job given the economic climate, but … I have another much more pressing issue… I don’t even know what jobs to apply for because I don’t know what I want to do at all. Yeah I’m still young and if I don’t like a certain job I can move on yeahyeah but I don’t want to just apply ANYWHERE. And what if no one wants to hire me? I mean, it’s one thing to apply at part-time jobs (where too many people hired me and I had to say no) from a full-time real job. Fuck, I’m really scared. I WISH I at least knew what sorts of jobs to be on the lookout for and that would make a world of difference.

David keeps telling me to apply to grad school – but I just don’t know what my passions are, what I’d apply for because that means knowing what I want to specialize in afterward in a career. I STILL DO NOT KNOW. Definitely in this day and age I feel grad school is a necessity. College just doesn’t seem to count for much anymore, at least not to me. I mean, I know in terms of accessibility to those that it is less accessible it’s still a gigantic feat to accomplish, but that’s not the sense in which I mean it. I suppose, as soon as I have “accomplished” something, I feel like… it’s not worth anything at all… which might just betray that I don’t think very highly of myself. No matter what I do, it’s never anything to be proud of, nothing worth talking about. “Accomplishments are transient” as they say, and there’s always moremoremore that needs to be done. I just don’t think that I’ll ever feel anything I do is enough.

I mean, nah I’m not mopey… just really… panicked. Time speeds on by and not enough ever gets done.

Btw, Blue Sky Noise… is the shiiiiiit. (: