Heart-Strutter.org

denial never spoke so loud

Recap

April 13th, 2010

It’s time for another one of those bullet pointed lists due to lack of time, lack of coherent thoughts, yadda yadda.

  • I miss Paris. I didn’t really like Rome quite as much, though their food is beyond amazing.
  • I tried frog legs and escargot in Paris and loooved them both. (: It’s just harder to find a good restaurant.
  • Got really fucking drunk for the first time in my life two weekends ago. Was super beyond hungover at work the next day, threw up, pretended it was a stomach flu and went home. Then slept for 14 hours. Then went home for Easter.
  • My weekends are getting a little ridiculous. (LOVELOVELOVE IT)
  • Celebrated Edgar’s 21st birthday on Saturday in LA at a Mexican restaurant called El Cholo.
  • On the way there, got into a car accident. There was stop and go traffic on the freeway and at this point I was completely stopped for a few seconds. Next thing you know, dumb bitch on the phone hits the back of my car (while she’s going mid-70s mph), in which I hit the car in front of me and they hit the car in front of them. It was a hot fucking mess, and I’m really more irritated by it than anything. I’ll be carless as they fix it but naturally I’ll still have to go to WORK. UGH!
  • Got back home Sunday at 5am after a fucking random ass trippy hang with Piale and David in Downey. Then yannoe, woke up after a few hours and went to work. Lmao.
  • I’ve resolved to volunteer this quarter and hopefully on into summer and onwardssss.
  • My work hours are getting in the way of volunteering opportunities or attending graduate school workshops.
  • I’m so torn between prioritizing. What comes first? School or work? I mean, I need to work to pay off school but I can’t even completely focus on school because of work. I don’t know what to do sometimes.
  • While I do stress over financial things… paying the bills, rent (esp. since I’m living in a house next year, had to do a deposit, etc.), I do take enjoyment out of figuring out numbers.

How I hate being what I consider a “jack of all trades.” I’m above average at a great many things, but not exceptional at any one thing. My family sat around the jacuzzi and we discussed starting from me down to all the children what they envisioned our future careers to be, and as I was first – I was there and listened. The ideas ranged from writer to medical field to technological expertise to who knows what. Those are all so wildly different. I’m graduating at the end of this calendar year. There are only a few months to go before my safety net (school) is gone. I don’t have to decide anything while I’m here in school because most of my waking hours aren’t spent working a job. But then you know, I’ll have all this time… PANIC.

It’s hard enough as it is to find a job given the economic climate, but … I have another much more pressing issue… I don’t even know what jobs to apply for because I don’t know what I want to do at all. Yeah I’m still young and if I don’t like a certain job I can move on yeahyeah but I don’t want to just apply ANYWHERE. And what if no one wants to hire me? I mean, it’s one thing to apply at part-time jobs (where too many people hired me and I had to say no) from a full-time real job. Fuck, I’m really scared. I WISH I at least knew what sorts of jobs to be on the lookout for and that would make a world of difference.

David keeps telling me to apply to grad school – but I just don’t know what my passions are, what I’d apply for because that means knowing what I want to specialize in afterward in a career. I STILL DO NOT KNOW. Definitely in this day and age I feel grad school is a necessity. College just doesn’t seem to count for much anymore, at least not to me. I mean, I know in terms of accessibility to those that it is less accessible it’s still a gigantic feat to accomplish, but that’s not the sense in which I mean it. I suppose, as soon as I have “accomplished” something, I feel like… it’s not worth anything at all… which might just betray that I don’t think very highly of myself. No matter what I do, it’s never anything to be proud of, nothing worth talking about. “Accomplishments are transient” as they say, and there’s always moremoremore that needs to be done. I just don’t think that I’ll ever feel anything I do is enough.

I mean, nah I’m not mopey… just really… panicked. Time speeds on by and not enough ever gets done.

Btw, Blue Sky Noise… is the shiiiiiit. (:

Heart-Strutter.org

denial never spoke so loud