At some point I have to address my problem. It’s been a little over a year since it started, you could say. Because of who I know reads my blog there is this incredible urge to make this entry private so that I can just spill it without worrying or I could just go on blabbing in this vague way, and that’s what I think I’m going to do…
Feel free to stop reading here.
It’s come to my attention that DP doesn’t approve of my … I mean what should I call it? Habit? New habit. No, ugh that just sounds bad. My new extracurricular activity? Lol… wtf. Anyway, the disapproval is getting to me. I’ve been ignoring that what I’m doing is wrong, and goes completely against who I am. Yet here I am, partaking in this activity several times a day or daily somewhat. I mean, it’s NOT daily but it seems that way. I did stop completely for a bit over three months, but then when I start again it’s … pretty consistently happening. Though I don’t think it’s been interfering with anything I do, it’s still wrong. I shouldn’t try in any way to justify it.
My freshman self would never have thought that I’d be partaking in something like this. It’s just not who I am. I mean, or is it?
The question is whether I’m ready to accept this as part of my identity or throw it out. I wish I could say that I want to stop, that I’m ready to move on yadda yadda. The real deal is that I’m only getting started and I want to find out what more there is to this new part of my identity.
Real talk. It helps pass the time. At some point, I get very tired of consciously feeling the time trickling slowly while I waste away doing absolutely nothing. So enter this activity that helps me NOT notice the time. Geezus, if anyone is reading this I wonder what you think it is. Lmao. Yeah, it’s an escapist sort of thing to do. For a really long time, I haven’t been able to face anything… I think I’m acting how MOST people act, though. MOST people don’t dwell on “emo” shit and ponder why they feel such and such. I’ve hit that stage in my life where I just dgaf. Yet I know that my addictive personality is going to lead me astray with this shit. I’m trying to think about THIS now, while I still can.
It’s really hard to talk to anyone about this. Most people don’t think anything OF IT when they do this. It’s just a thing to do. But I’m starting to worry that I’m falling victim to boredom. There is no excuse. But, that’s just assuming that what I’m doing is inexcusable. Is that really the case? How is it any different from something else most of America partakes in? AHHHHH I am so confused.