Wrote this on 4/27. I could have sworn I published it, but I guess it stayed a draft. More emo bullshit… what a surprise.
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I’m really tired of not caring, and I’m also really tired of caring – at the same fucking time.
Maybe I’m doing all this stupid shit because I want someone else to do the caring. But if people found out they’d be pissed, “you know better”, “why are you causing problems?”, etc. I don’t want attention, no, just… CARE.
Everyone else is always up to something. Good or bad. I’m up to nothing. I have no successes, nothing to talk about, no excitement. So I need to start living for something to do… I can’t stand life as it is now. Whatever favors I can do for others, I’ll try because it gives me something to do. So much for altruism. But the fact is, that despite being self-motivated, doing favors for others brings me no increased joy, no increased fulfillment of any sort. And so why perform these actions? The actions are for the greater utility, with my time, someone else’s happiness, etc.
It is absolutely getting harder to fake emotions. I have very little emotion to show. I’m still empathetic, but me showing emotion requires too much energy and strength. I mean “yay glad you were able to do such and such” and “hope you’re successful at x and y” but must I really say it? Must I really listen?
I want to do things, not sit idly and listen or whatever. I want to have my own stories, but feel no need to share them anyway. I just want my own story, have something to do. *sigh*
But since there is little for me to do anyway, I am making rounds, listening to people, sitting with them while everyone goes on and on and on and on about all the things happening to them. Me, silent. Or I feel like sitting in silence. I feel, don’t doubt that, but there just is no desire to show just how much I feel. Whatever emotion I show plays little part in the unveiling of any events in anyone’s life.
I want to stay in bed all day and sleep. My non-existence would not make a difference in anyone’s life. Ugh. Not a suicidal gesture, just absolutely feeling worthless in this world. I make no difference in it and don’t really care to either. My problem is APATHY, and aha don’t even care to fix it. What a fucking conundrum.