4 Years

I have owned and written in this blog for just a bit over four years… which is definitely something! I never suspected I’d own Heart-Strutter for that long, as I’m quite capricious when it comes to things like this. In theory I am, anyway. Or it appears that way. When in reality, I’ve had my email address for YEARS even though people still think it’s my old one. Things like that. I have quite a few essays that need finishing before Friday. I’ve already begun one and I just need about a page more and then I can safely proceed to the next one in line. Except that… I didn’t read the novel for the essay prompt in question. Ahhh. Yeah, I’ll manage somehow.

At this point I’m even debating whether I really need two minors to graduate. I sort of just want to graduate already. I’m so so soooo sick of school. It’s the furthest thing from my mind most days. I mean, all my assignments get done but this quarter – if I didn’t need to attend a class, I didn’t. Which is really bad of course. I think I’m only REALLY lucky that most of the assignments for my courses were essays. And *everyone* knows that is my strong point. Though that’s hardly indicative given my poor writing style on my blog. Gotta be casual somewhere, right!? Anyway, yeah lots of As and Bs on my assignments this quarter. Nothing below, not to my knowledge. So that’s good stuff. Hurrah. A few essays stand in my way of finishing this forsaken quarter.

The tough part is that I get a week off and then summer school. BLAH. All for the sake of graduating early, I need to remember that.

There is still the question as to what I am going to do after I graduate. My mother has already expressed the uselessness of my degree, yet claims people are always hiring. Oh how conflicted I am. I know the road to great things lies in graduate school. But how I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to go. Somewhere along the way, I realized school is just one really long stepping stone. And I’m not very patient. And I always need to experience new things, get out of my comfort zone. For so long, school has been that “comfort zone” where we (students) don’t have to face real life yet. I’m BEYOND scared of meeting REAL LIFE where the competition is TOUGH… but I am also just so ready to get there already (remember: very little patience).

Why is it so much faster to crank out 500 words or personal blabber as opposed to an essay?! I mean, if I had written one of my essays this fast, that would have been HEAVEN (two of them have to be 900 words each). All these restrictions cramp my style. I mean, the essay is going to be longer than 900 words, but still…

I’ve got some serious issues underway. BPD, possibly. It’s my new disorder of choice. And some form of compulsion. I need to get my life back together. Without the assistance of a professional.

What occurred to me at dinner last night was that I keep hanging out with really cool people, but that I have very little in common with. I don’t know if that means that I am not cool myself or what, but ugh. I ran into a friend that I hadn’t seen in MONTHS because … I don’t know… but we just started chatting and I felt suddenly SOCIAL and ALIVE again. Those are things I have not felt for months. Having similar interests really is important. That’s sad, to be perfectly honest. But also I’m sick of the drama, the tension, the constant NEGATIVE ENERGY. I know it’s because the current people in my life and I have little to nothing in common anymore. It’s no one’s fault, it just happens that way.

Where are the people that make me feel ALIVE? I need a new group of friends. Somewhere in between 12th grade and the moment at which I find myself now, I lost the ability to make new friends. Most, if not all of the friends I have now, I have met through someone I already knew.

My cousin (who of course I already knew prior to 12th grade) introduced me to most of the people I know today.
Nefertiti, who I knew in middle school, introduced me to Rona.

And so on.

Life is giving me a headache. So I run away to really distant places to be alone, with bustling cars, bright lights, and friendly strangers. Or to barren mountains and sparkling stars with the city lights burning down below. Anything to get me away from the things I can no longer relate with. So no, don’t call me apathetic about your issues. They’re just not my issues with which to deal or fight for. And I’m sorry for that.

WOW, wtf! This started out as a “congrats 4 years to my lil’ blog” and turned into an honest yet emotionally neutral explanation on where I am right now.

Don’t take offense if you’re included in this. I’m being completely HONEST and my tone is neither negative or positive. Just real.

♥♥

(877 words, incredible)

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