Press Harder.

Pressing matters at hand. In note-format because it might be too overwhelming to try to explain myself formally.

Circa Survive concert Nov. 6th with Giselle.
New York December 16-22 with Raquel.
Plans to visit Brian in Japan (not so likely, given $)
Plans to visit Jesse in Germany/or travel to Eur somewhere… Here’s to hoping. I have until August of next year to figure out if I can save enough money.

Graduation is approaching in December. And then it’s time to start my life. I have no clue what I’m doing, where I’m going, what I want to do. Today I had an appointment with Career Services and Chris helped me out a little. There’s an assessment test I need to take on the Career Services website … unfortunately I didn’t get an access code to logon – so I’ll have to go BACK tomorrow to get that. Options.

When it comes down to it, I can make a good impression, sell my skillsets; I’m not worried about finding something I’m good at or passionate about because I can be passionate about anything and excel. I just need someone to narrow it down for me because I’m completely open to new ideas and trying out career paths I never knew existed. But what are those available paths?? That’s *my* question. And I need HELP. Time is going by so quickly.

MONEY. I feel so poor right now. It’s like… what can I sell status! Haha.

Jesse and I want to learn French, and write letters to one another. Talk about tough. Uh, I don’t even know how to pronounce most French words – Spanish, German, Japanese – no problem. French requires some kind of oral finesse that I’m not so sure I possess.

One of my life goals is to be well-traveled and speak a few different languages. Travel the world. Make friends all over the world, fly in planes to visit them, speak in their native tongues. A chic lifestyle. Making plans makes me happy. I love having things to look forward to; if I can’t look forward to something I feel restless, like I’m not moving fast enough.

  • Bikram Yoga twice a week. Mondays 7am – get my dayweek going! And one other time during the week with Kae.
  • Farmer’s market fresh fruit and vegetables.
  • I need to start cooking again. It brought me great joy, way to save money, and get healthy again.

There comes a moment when you realize you’ve lost focus and have to start taking care of yourself again.

If I could live a life without needing sleep… I would be the most efficient me. I function, get ideas, feel alive, feel productive at night. That’s when my brain is working its magic. But there is something so very special to me about the creativity of dreams that draws me back to sleep. And sleep comes so easy. I really need to read Beggars in Spain.

Today I went to Borders and Home Depot with Jesse. At Borders we both purchased Let the Right One In. I’m excited to read that… the movie was brilliant and I can only imagine that the novel will be equally impressive. Gore be damned, I’m going to read this. And then Jesse gave me her copy of Boneshaker! I don’t typically read too much Science Fiction but after our class it’s pretty legit stuff. It touches on things I discuss in my Philosophy classes but on a very literary imaginary world sort of level. And I kept meaning to buy plants for my house! But it just never happened. And then today Jesse helped me out by picking some plants for me and I got them. Let’s get a little life and fresh air in this place.

I am in a different place right now, than I used to be. Wine and late night talks. Drives up the mountain to see some late night stars. This independence puts me in the right state of mind. I love feeling like I have changed, matured. The best part is that I can sense the change. A to B. Distance. Time. Mental maturity.

Just driving to the post office to mail a care package for my uncle makes me feel… different. That I’m living on my own, can get into my car, and gift something to someone gives me this feeling. I can’t quite label it. Locking the door every morning, unlocking my car, getting into it, and going somewhere, and then doing it again the next day in different clothing – also gives me that feeling. I am doing things… things associated with… Change, Independence. I don’t know how to explain that feeling. If I were to capture in a video every morning when I walk out and lock the front door in a new outfit everyday, it’s like… a life is being lived. There’s something stable but yet NEW about every day… and I don’t know how to explain it.

My goal is to become an early morning kind of person. I want to have enough time in the morning to take a leisurely shower, make some coffee or tea, read a little, eat breakfast, and then head on out. As it is I’m lucky if I have enough time to grab a slice of bread and take it on the go. Sleep here becomes a barrier for me. I can stay awake doing stuff at night, no problem. But I can also pass out immediately. It’s a gift I’ve been given. The problem that lies herein comes from rising out of my deep and precious sleep. The sheets are so comforting, the warmth so reassuring, the dreams so ethereal. It’s like living two lives. The dream world and the real world. I want to stay as long as possible in either world, but the transition from one to the next is so very difficult for me.

For the longest time I have not had my red Moleskine. I do not know how I lost it, but since then I haven’t had something to carry around with me to take notes. I need something to write things those fleeting thoughts down. My mind is a confection of little thoughts that need to come together as one. There’s so much to think about these days. I need to write more and more frequently.


One thought on “Press Harder.

  1. Graduation is a scary thought that I am definitely not ready yet. I still am not 100% sure of what I want to do and I feel like I will never find out because I basically want to do everything. (Except for comparative literature, I could do without.)

    Do you have an idea of what kind of work setting or field you would like to work in? I know everyone says to intern or shadow people, but yeah it does help to just search up someone whose career interests you and call/email them to ask if you can shadow/intern (if they say no, at least you’ve tried). I think that’s the most difficult part is to put yourself out there. I know this method has worked a quite a few people I know.

    ~ Good luck with everything.

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