MonthOctober 2010

Feed me love.

To date I have written 12 or quite possibly 13 essays on the theme of cannibalism/consumption. I just found a new favorite quote:

I have this dream. In this dream there is a man. And though this man is rich, successful, famous, he is unhappy, so very unhappy. He is unhappy because the love around him, the love in the hearts of those he cared for most, was beginning to shrivel and wither away. And this, in turn, made his own heart begin to grow in order to make up for the love that was disappearing around him. And the more the love in the hearts of those around him shriveled up, the bigger his own heart grew in order to make up for the growing emptiness that he now began to feel. So the love kept withering away and his heart kept growing bigger. Until one day there was so little love around him and his own heart so big—it burst into a thousand red petals that filled the sky and fell slowly, so very slowly, to the earth. And the people, his friends, the ones who had withheld their love, began to swallow the petals, these remains of the man’s glorious heart as they fell from the sky. Hungrily, they fed. Greedily, they swallowed. They pushed and shoved each other, gorging themselves on these petals because they felt that then they too would become like the man. Rich, famous, beautiful, lonely …

Excerpt from “Yankee Dawg You Die” by Philip Kan Gotanda.

STOP. Tell me the truth.

I need you more than you know. Not letting go.

Yes, I am listening to The Jonas Brothers. My music taste knows no bounds. From experimental CocoRosie to Crystal Castles to Muse to Circa Survive to Jonas Brothers to Willow Smith. I don’t even know.

I have no idea what I am doing for Halloween. This is going to be my last Halloween in Isla Vista. Think of it this way: you will see EVERYONE on the streets in full out crazy costumes. I have no costume ideas and nothing to wear. My costumes are always so last minute… fail.

And okay so I’m a year late but I’m ridiculously annoyed and upset that one of my favorite bands split. My American Heart just had this sound… it made me want to dance. Perfect driving music. Super fun live. UGH! How something so good can just suddenly be gone makes me really sad.


I’m back at my computer. Writing essay #3 of 5. Midterms week sucks. I’m now listening to German industrial Musik.


This entry isn’t really going anywhere. Worked all day. I was smiling like a fool all day long… The sun was ridiculously amazing that it just made me feel happy despite the fact that I was stuck indoors all day at work. The butterflies were fluttering around me as I walked from my car to work, swear. And I have a ridiculous amount of glitter on my face… did a fairy look for work today. I actually really like glitter…! On my face. On my eyes. In my hair. Ridic.

The smallest thing can just make your day. Funny how that works out. I couldn’t have felt better.


Okay so I broke my no-buy yesterday when I spent the day in Ventura with Nefertiti. Though I have to say I am quite proud of myself for sticking to buying only things I needed or had really wanted and searched for for months.

First we went to the Pacific View Mall and I just *knew* I had to stop by H&M since it only opened a month or so ago. I tried on quite a few things but nothing particularly struck me as that amazing that I would break my “no buy” for… until I had put everything back – I SAW IT. For months I called manyyyy many H&Ms in search of one little jacket and no store had received it. The jacket in question here was the one Abbey Lee Kershaw wore on the main page of The jacket is a light tan color! and the lining is leopard print… and get this… only $15. Yes, the jacket is part of the Divided line by H&M. It is one beautiful jacket and I already wore it last night! It’s extremely comfortable, too.

Now, I don’t usually shop at Forever 21. Most of their clothing is of ridiculously bad quality that I don’t even want to spend the little money each item costs especially knowing the labor used comes from some country in which the employees are underpaid. But anyway, I really wanted a pair of sweatpants to style with my outfits and I found the most comfortable flattering pair for $14. I almost regret not getting more than one knowing that after washing the pants they will most likely suffer the fate of most F21 clothing… fading, tearing, etc. And I also wore these sweatpants last night! AMAZING. I love the sweats to bits and pieces.

Lastly, I really really needed a new bra. Just a nude bra that was comfortable. So Nefi and I headed right on over to Macy’s (as I refuse to buy any Victoria’s Secret bras given that the quality sucks imho). So anyway, Nefi helped me find one perfect racerback nude bra that fits amazingly. The tag said $34 but I didn’t even care… the bra was too comfortable to pass up. I get to the register and uh… it was on sale for $10…! That was too good. I checked online and they’re full price so I don’t know what the deal was but it doesn’t even matter! This bra works with my tanks and some of my most oft-used shirts. Perfect.

Anyway, then Nefi and I ate at a 50s inspired diner with malt shakes, hamburgers, and 25cent jukebox machines. It was such a great find! We were walking around Main St. in Ventura and homegirl just could not decide what to eat. Finally we stopped in front of the Busy Bee cafe and inside it was just so 50s and cute! The food was pretty darn good, too, though the portions are enormous. I didn’t even finish my chocolate banana shake because I got so full!

Afterwards we stopped by American Apparel and Urban Outfitters but nothing really caught my eye. So we left empty-handed and it actually felt pretty good!!

I drove us back to Santa Barbara and yessss I took an amazing nap. At 7:30 the wonderful Sandy called me and then I called up Nefi and in a super quick five minutes I woke up and got dressed to go to dinner. The three of us headed to Chili’s and had some drinksssss. I was a happy camper lol. After dinner we all headed back to Ventura and spent the night at Candlelight. FUNNNN. More drinks. More dancing. I was a sloppy mess!! Well not really… not that sloppy. I’ve been sloppier. But definitely I wasn’t in driving condition so Sandy drove my car back to SB. OVERALL: Saturday was an immense success.

NOTETOSELF: I need to learn how to whip my hair back and forth.



If I thought my Wednesday night was awkward and CRAZY as hell… my FRIDAY night was quite possibly the most bizarre and traumatizing drunken night of my life. I talked about it with two people and resolved that it didn’t make a difference discussing it. What’s done is done, c’est la vie. These people didn’t really have much to contribute on the subject either, there just isn’t much to say about it. But DAMN… I really want to thank Edward for waiting for me that Friday night. And I want to apologize to David for vomiting on his bed sheets at 3 in the morning. But I soaked his sheets and washed them three damn times…! Still, disaster. I am ready to move on from last week.

Oh and I’ve been sick since Thursday. Work on Sunday HURT. Like physical pain, my body hurts all over, I can barely breathe and my voice is nearly gone kind of pain. And I was there all day. I’m still sick, but recuperating. Funny thing… two of the people I was hanging out with on Wednesday are also sick right now. Maybe a coincidence or maybe someone was SICK around us and spread it everywhere. D:

There’s nothing I love more than GREY. Grey t-shirts are the best thing… quite possibly ever. I organized my wardrobe by color and I feel such great joy looking at all my grey t-shirts… yet I feel a very strong desire for more of them.

In other news, I’m getting by with my aviator shearling jacket from ASOS and my wool-y long cardi from H&M… though still craving sweaters. And now I’ve added two pairs of shoes to my ever-growing wish list. I really should focus on what I already own in my closet…

I resolved last week that I would not hold back… too many years I’ve spent in silence not saying a word. The silence has been deafening. But now that I have decided to speak I find I waited too long and no one is willing to listen. Maybe people don’t expect me to speak. It’s so hard keeping this resolve when… all I want to do is shut down again and vow silence forever and ever. The quiet is altogether so much more comforting. And I don’t want to cry.