Sway Me Gently, Burn Me Slowly

I’ll become like the desert wind
and I’ll drink all the gin
Shriveled up under desert lights
eaten up in the night
I can’t keep this up much longer without
needing more from you

I need more

Wasted with the rhythm
angry at the melody
How did you stay so sweet?
Cause you were my ally once
You were my confidante
I need somebody close
to be close to

forever

Circa Survive on Saturday night was unbelievably brilliant. Anthony Green has never sounded better. All the songs meant so much more to me live, which should be impossible. The music is so… beautiful. I just don’t know how else to describe the sound of Circa Survive.

-A week later-

Spent the weekend with my family! Friday morning I got an early morning phone call from my brother asking me to drive down and spend some time with him. And the sucker that I am, I woke up, took a shower, and did the two hour drive down. I love my brother – and it was just the cutest thing of him to say he missed me. I feel such comfort being at home with my family. Even if we’re not doing anything. I don’t feel that way here in Santa Barbara mostly in part because the house is almost always empty.

-Days later-

Inevitably this is just one of those useless posts, again. I don’t necessarily want to discard the post because it has some meaningful shit up in it, but not in coherent form.

Anyway, I got to thinking this morning about what it is that I want out of life. And surprisingly I came up with some solid answers.

Life Goals/Wants

  • To eventually earn near or around at least half a million dollars in a year. For now I’ll settle for much less until I’m worth this much.
  • Visit a friend. (No elaboration needed, I understand myself.)
  • Travel all over the world. This is totally do-able. If as a college student I managed to save enough for a trip to New York well then… earning much much much more after graduating college should be sufficient to allow me to travel. I don’t care if I have to travel alone; I just want to see the world.

I’m jealous that new girl at my aunt’s company is going to Washington at the end of this month. I want her bloody fucking job. I feel as though I should have taken her job. Fucking… timing. But it’s okay. Let the chips fall where they may.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a Determinist. Do I really believe in a lack of freedom in the universe? The consequences of my beliefs are sometimes hard to swallow, but the more I think about it – the more Determinism makes sense. Or maybe I’m just too afraid. There’s a sense of comfort in knowing that what happens happens for a reason and that things are just going to work themselves out in a pre-determined sort of way.

Once again it’s Wednesday so I have an essay due at 6:30. But I have a lot of other shit to do from now till then as well… so I best get to writing.

I feel really Frustrated. And I need someone to talk to about all these frustrations. This new business of sharing how I feel is sort of putting a lot of pressure on me. I feel like an inflated balloon that’s about to pop and explode a bunch of confetti in your face. Like word-vomit status.

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