April Goal

My goal for April is to blog every single day. I have so many unfinished posts and so many things to write but I keep forgetting or pushing it aside. I know it’s going to be a struggle to get a post out everyday but I won’t stress about it. In fact my posts might just be a photo, with no words unless I feel the need.

Update on my list of Wardrobe items. I got the Zanotti glitter boots and I do not regret it a single bit. Boots really are my go-to and I find the glitter boots go with so many outfits. They add a touch of magic to a basic look. (: I still have not found a single v-neck tee in 100% cotton. Most tees are scoop neck or high round cut. The most flattering cut on me is the v-neck, and I know that very well. In the mean time I “settled” for one black and one white tee from the Men’s section of Urban Outfitters.

Currently I’ve been getting into a lingerie. Comfortable bras and panties. 😀

Now I’m looking at Spring collections to see just what I can change on my list.

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1726.

My senses are on over-drive today. I can smell very keenly and hear things I shouldn’t hear, coming from outside the window of my building. It’s kind of like how I can pick up on electronics being on before even entering the room.

Every day I feel myself changing. Losing true sense of what my actions mean. Disregarding my every judgment. Avoiding introspection. All of this completely speaks against what it means to be me. And I’m scared out of my mind. It’s getting to the point where my actions are unrecognizable, my logic practically non-existent.

At work today I was attempting to just THINK about things and I found that I didn’t really know what I was doing regarding my work… except all my actions were automated… the work was getting done correctly without much conscious effort. That’s sort of how everything’s been for a while.

The lack of time to sit and THINK effects my thought-to-action process. I always wondered why the general population lives so … unconcerned with the repercussions to their actions and I think I realize now that sometimes there isn’t enough mental concern for your own well-being when there’s so much to be concerned about throughout the span of a day. That’s kind of a lot to think about without breaking it down. But anyway, I’ve had bills to pay for years, so that isn’t new necessarily. Now there is this addition of “Did I do everything at work? How can I improve? Did I make note of such and such??” There’s so much to memorize, a new language to learn, a real world out there to experience.

Even finding an apartment was such a precipitated occurrence. The one I chose wasn’t necessarily the one that would provide me with the most utility (the John Stuart Mill kind of utility, though not necessarily equated to my happiness, just general utility). And to forget to deliberate the utility of an action is SO SO SO unlike me.

I feel so unrecognizable to myself. Facing the mirror and not remembering what you’re going to see is like living in a shroud of self-doubt and deceit.

(This is my best attempt at speaking about what I’m thinking without having to necessitate the need for a private entry, though one will surely follow.)

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