My senses are on over-drive today. I can smell very keenly and hear things I shouldn’t hear, coming from outside the window of my building. It’s kind of like how I can pick up on electronics being on before even entering the room.
Every day I feel myself changing. Losing true sense of what my actions mean. Disregarding my every judgment. Avoiding introspection. All of this completely speaks against what it means to be me. And I’m scared out of my mind. It’s getting to the point where my actions are unrecognizable, my logic practically non-existent.
At work today I was attempting to just THINK about things and I found that I didn’t really know what I was doing regarding my work… except all my actions were automated… the work was getting done correctly without much conscious effort. That’s sort of how everything’s been for a while.
The lack of time to sit and THINK effects my thought-to-action process. I always wondered why the general population lives so … unconcerned with the repercussions to their actions and I think I realize now that sometimes there isn’t enough mental concern for your own well-being when there’s so much to be concerned about throughout the span of a day. That’s kind of a lot to think about without breaking it down. But anyway, I’ve had bills to pay for years, so that isn’t new necessarily. Now there is this addition of “Did I do everything at work? How can I improve? Did I make note of such and such??” There’s so much to memorize, a new language to learn, a real world out there to experience.
Even finding an apartment was such a precipitated occurrence. The one I chose wasn’t necessarily the one that would provide me with the most utility (the John Stuart Mill kind of utility, though not necessarily equated to my happiness, just general utility). And to forget to deliberate the utility of an action is SO SO SO unlike me.
I feel so unrecognizable to myself. Facing the mirror and not remembering what you’re going to see is like living in a shroud of self-doubt and deceit.
(This is my best attempt at speaking about what I’m thinking without having to necessitate the need for a private entry, though one will surely follow.)