MonthAugust 2011

But all the paper said when I was done is…

Restlessness is one of my signature traits. Maybe fickle. Maybe capricious. Furniture constantly gets switched around in my apartment, my hair color changes more often than the seasons, and my living location is now the source of my frustration. Don’t get me wrong – I love Long Beach. The relaxed beach vibe permeates the city but there’s also this great night life buzz. There is so much going on in Long Beach and I have not even explored a fraction of the city with all its local eats and hangs and entertainment. But increasingly I feel this distance from “the city” – the city of Los Angeles proper. Not that I would want to live anywhere downtown (that’s just scary), but closer to where I feel “everything” is located. Los Angeles is about 30 minutes away, maybe more with traffic. It is still just a simple drive away… but I feel so drawn to it. Even the thought of moving to the very classy city of Pasadena seems appealing.

These cities – Santa Monica, Pasadena, Los Angeles (La Brea area), they all have these special vibes, their own cultures, etc. Once I moved I would only miss or yearn for another city. I know that about myself.

My only constant is change.

The thought that things don’t meet my expectations is untrue. Long Beach more than lives up to my thoughts about it. But I feel so… restless, unhappy with the stability.

My life can always be described with the words:

The Greek word, eros, denotes want, lack. The desire for that which is missing. The lover wants what it does not have. It is by definition impossible for him to have what he wants. If… as soon as it is had… it is no longer wanted.

How many times have I quoted those lines on this blog? Many many many times. I always want and want and want. Not necessarily want MORE, I just WANT all the time. For the sake of wanting. I need these wants fulfilled though soon after it means nothing.

Rarely is something enough. Not because it does not satisfy me… but because the satisfaction is so temporary. My mind craves new experiences all the time. “Accomplishments are transient,” right?

accomplishments are transient
they pull me in unremittingly
just lasting this long, I feel relieved
let repetition save me

I always turn a real-life problem into this lyrical, obscure, vague mass.

Start Thinking.

I like this new WordPress theme because it has the option of going to random entries. Rereading past emotions is… bizarre. Everything that ever happened to me happened so long ago. I grew up, and along with that I stopped thinking. The difference between a 17 year old and a 22 year old?

When you’re 17 there’s nothing to do, just a lot to think about. When you’re 22 there’s nothing to think about, just a lot to do.

I hate that I have stopped thinking. But at the same time I literally have nothing to express anymore. My mother doesn’t abuse me anymore. I’m not as lost, conflicted, and in pain anymore. I’m not loving someone that does not love me anymore. In fact, it feels like I live in an emotionless pit of taking it a day at a time. WORK. SLEEP. WORK. SLEEP. It’s a never-ending repetition of that.

This has got to be the most boring entry ever. I have nothing going on, no dreams, no aspirations, no thoughts.


I’m currently in the process of getting rid of a lot of clothing and working on a “curated wardrobe.” I’m only in the mental stages, as I want to figure just what aesthetic I’m hoping to achieve when I get rid of all the extraneous clothes from my closet.

Here’s what I’m hoping to have by Fall:

From left: Etoile Isabel Marant Tin Cropped Trousers, 3.1 Phillip Lim Silk Muscle Tee, Miu Miu Bow-detailed silk-crepe blouse, Helmut Lang Wool-blend Blazer

These are three of five of my wardrobe colors. I wear gray, blush, nude/cream/tan, royal blue/navy, and black! If I aspire to purchase these and only these items for Fall it might be possible to get them all (though the Marant trousers are likely sold out in my size already). As much as I love looking at prints and people experimenting with texture, etc. I do not feel that I can look polished with all that. I need to keep it minimal and simple for my own personal style.