DaySeptember 8, 2011

New Needs

There are some new needs in my life to maintain my happiness.

For starters, there is a serious lack of conversation in my life on the things that matter to me, the things I enjoy. These days I enjoy obscure, or foreign films that fall into very specific categories and elicit very specific emotions out of me. I enjoy listening to music far more indie than ever before… again, obscure. And I also enjoy fashion and beauty. I’m no longer in that “makeup community” – considering I no longer work at Sephora, no longer have time to do my makeup every day to the extent that I used to. But… it still interests me. And FASHION. Watching the fashion shows live on my computer monitor is as close as I’m going to get… but there is no one to converse with about it.

Imagine having great news that you just want to share… and no one is interested. That is sort of how it is. I think most of the people I know see fashion as … going to the nearest store and picking clothes that fits/is cost effective/looks pretty.

My ideas on these things are just so very different.

I cannot have conversations with myself. That’s pathetic.

Twitter is currently sustaining my life force. It’s like being involved in the hustle and bustle of what is going on in New York right now: Fashion Week. I need consistent and constant conversation, the feeling that there are things going on all around. Instead I’m here at my desk, at work, where things do not interest me. And there is no one to share my excitement with about what I thought of the fashion shows from this morning.

I mean it’s not just fashion. I watch a film, and thazzit. No one gives a damn because they’ve never seen it, don’t want to see it, or just never will.

When I say things like, “my friends aren’t into x, y, z” I start to realize I don’t even have all that many friends to approach about my interests anyway.

When did it become so hard to find someone with which I have something in common? How did I get the friends I have now? What pulled us together? And why can’t I gravitate towards people that are into the same things I am into? Why is that so difficult?

I love my friends, I would never give them up. But at some point I have to wonder, when am I going to be able to share my interests with someone? And the only reason I need consistent and constant conversation is because I’ve been so starved of it for so long now.

Shit, I graduated in December and since then… hardly any of my friends are/were around because I graduated early. So I had my family for all of these months but I mean come on… family is amazing to hang out with, spend time with, etc. but I cannot talk to them in quite the same way as I do friends.

So, I’m suffering. Yes, I’m getting my daily minimum of human interaction (at work) so I think that keeps me from falling into massive depression. But I get home and I fill up my time with the most mind-numbing bullshit. Anything to fill the void, anything to pass the time, anything to avoid feeling the very slow passing of time. Smoking helps.

All of this sounds so … sad. Not even depressing. Just sad.

So what am I going to do about it? Shit, I mean, what is there to do?