Again?

“When shall we meet again? When will the earthy taste of your lips come again to brush the anxiety of my mind? Will all our sensations remain forever intellectual, and will not our dreams succeed in igniting one soul whose feeling will help us to die? What is this death in which we are forever alone, in which love does not show us the way?”

— Antonin Artaud, Art and Death.

Last night I dreamt that someone near and dear to me was the devil. My life was shrouded in long narrow hallways of pure darkness. The details escape me but I remember feeling afraid, and breaking free involved solving some kind of puzzle or riddle. Maybe I’ve been playing too much Skyrim…

It scares me how quickly one full year flew by. This year felt infinitely more inconsequential and uneventful (than the year before it), and it strikes me as odd that this year just passed me by. What I always compare is working at Sephora for a year and working at Consolidated for a year (this year). Working at the former felt like a significantly long period of time whereas my current job just felt like an insignificant tiny sliver of time. I just don’t want year after year to pass me by…

I feel like in this very moment I should be doing something with my life, making the best use of my time. This is the time. I’m in my early 20s, the time when I have the most energy, the most optimistic view, and I have my youth. But instead I feel like already I succumbed to a static existence. Progression and growth has ceased.

My last year of college was monumental. There were moments of literal enlightenment. Moments in which I sensed emotional growth in physical time as it happened.

Those moments have not happened in a year. Nothing monumental happens in my life anymore. Every day practically feels the same. Work, home, maybe go somewhere. I’m now living in a life where there is no discussion. Before there were things to get excited about, things to talk about, pressing issues I felt passionate about. Now there is a world full of people I feel don’t care anymore.

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Functional Foyer

It’s no secret interior design is one of my current passions. Everyone on Twitter knows it, my friends know it, my family knows, and I of course know it. At the very end of February I moved into an art deco/1920s apartment built in 1928. The ceilings are sky high and there is real character to my apartment. The previous tenant lived in this apartment for 7 years and he was given permission to make his own improvements (out of his own pocket of course…) so basically I got uniquely painted walls, granite countertops, and stylish tile in the kitchen and dining room. I love my apartment with all my heart and though it is missing some very crucial essentials for now, it will do. For the price (though still high) I live a few blocks from the beach, in the East Village Arts District, literally a few blocks from downtown Long Beach. With my current budget I feel I am getting my money’s worth and would not be able to afford any other similar place nearby with those “crucial essentials” in my opinion. Parking is street only, which SUCKS. I could pay some parking lots nearby for parking but have not yet taken that leap. I am thinking I might have to do this in December, though. I’m tired of playing that street parking game. Also, there is no outdoor patio area… and there is something so magical and special to me about a quaint outdoor area… just to get some fresh air, read outside, etc. There is also no heating or AC. But I own a heater and I own a fan.

Anyway, as you enter the apartment there is this great little “office” space. It is made of fake wood panels that extend to the ceiling and also has sliding doors to close the area. Though I don’t close the area, it adds a nice touch.

There are some small areas I am missing in my apartment. My shoes do not EVER seem to make their way back to my bedroom walk-in closet. So by the end of the week I literally have five pairs of shoes littered near the sofa, near the entryway, etc. And it’s driving me batty. But I never really head to my bedroom until the evening (why? because my bedroom is very very very much a work in progress at the moment… deets later). So my coats pile up on the wonderful dark drawer bench and shoes surrounding this area as well. By the end of the week my apartment does not give me the same satisfaction as after my routine Sunday clean up. Again, this is driving me nuuuts. I do not want clutter. And the clutter is my own doing. I know myself. I am NOT going to go to my bedroom and neatly store my shoes inside my closet where I even hate the shoe storage rack I have. I want to toss that rack so badly.

Anyway, okay so back to the point.

It occurred to me TODAY, moments ago, before starting this post… the “office” room which is currently one room that lacks so much style… as I have not bothered to style it YET, should be used as a FUNCTIONAL FOYER. Brilliant!

Now what functions does this 43″ x 94″ room need to serve?

  • Shoe storage solution
  • Coat rack/storage solution
  • Beautifully display all of my books
    (currently displayed in between two different sized white bookshelves and on stacks around one of the bookshelves)
  • Alcohol/mineral water/snacks cart/side table
  • Chic decor and accessories

I realize this is a lot, but I already have a few ideas in mind! The execution, on the other hand, will not come so easily as it will require making holes in the walls to hang things, maybe some painting, and money.

Here is the current set up and the problems presented in photos. The pictures are crappy but it’s late and I need to get my ideas down quickly.

This is the current “foyer” space… very minimal, except for the enormous mirror which adds so much style. Anyway, here is a perfect view of the coats that accumulate over the week, and I removed the shoes because it was an eyesore. This current entry way does not even have a table… which is what I have been aiming for since I moved and have not found anything that I feel would perfectly match so in an effort to avoid the glaring empty space below the mirror I added the bench.

The current book storage solution. It creates a nice chic corner but ultimately is not my favorite solution. I have far too many books to mess around with multiple bookshelves.

The current office space. My desk is to the left and to the right I have a drawer with all my filed paperwork in it. And there’s a chair that I don’t really like, and a trash can with 0 style. What I like best about this space is that most everything in there is unseen. The walls are bare, and there is no style whatsoever to this room.

My idea is to move a desk to the area where the bookshelves are, by the small window. With the right furniture this could be a very nice work space. There’s plenty of room, that’s for sure. And then this unique interesting side room would not need to house my desk at all, but would have to serve all the other functions stated above.

Inspiration photos and more ideas to follow.

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Angry.

I am angry.

There’s so much anger in me. Breathing doesn’t do much to ease the tension clinging so hard to my shoulders, my neck, my head. And I can feel the anger hovering over me, pressing against me, weighing me down.

Everything makes me angry.

There’s a lack of control in most of the situations in my life. And it’s not that I need control, but would like just a little bit more than what I have. I think it’s that I’m naturally outspoken about my beliefs, about my opinions… and at work I have to remain quiet. I cannot speak my mind, I cannot address what is bothering me. I always just BLURT OUT (thoughtfully) what I need to say. There’s usually no need for restraint in my thought process. But at work I’m shackled to silence.

And situations cannot mend if there is an unawareness of the problem. So nothing changes. Nothing gets better. There’s this awful build up of anger within me, over me, permeating my skin, and radiating from me onto everyone. And I am not pleasant this way. And nothing gets better.

I am so sick of being angry. But I cannot simply relinquish all that bothers me. Instead I need for it to be fixed. And I have no control over this. No say in anything.

All the little things that should not phase me, phase me. And burn me out. By the end of the day I just feel so weighed down by everything that bothers me all day long…

Several times throughout the day my head feels heavy and light all at once. It’s like dizziness. It’s hard to focus. And I feel there are so many things going on in my mind. And I can’t focus on any one thing. And this causes mind confusion. And in those moments it’s hard to hear, hard to listen, hard to do anything. And then I take a deep breath and become very acutely aware of the dizziness.

I am angry.

But this just isn’t me. I’m always the first one to forgive and forget. Most especially forget. Usually it doesn’t matter. Because no matter what you say or do I don’t give in, and I don’t give up. Except there’s a conflict here. This relates to the previous post. I’m used to things going my way. But when things don’t go my way, that’s unacceptable, things have to get better. So it’s this constant tugging back and forth between not getting my way and not giving in. But I have no control over either. Neither will change. And I need change, crave change, must have change.

Everything about me just conflicts with itself in this never-ending circle of mass confusion. It’s like the Pisces sign. One fish goes one way, the other fish goes the opposite way. There is no meeting in between but consistently going in two directions in one ever-cycling, ever-changing circle. The two fish repel one another and yet co-exist in that circle. One side is upright and logical, and the other is backwards/upside down and emotional/non-sensical.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

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All but once.

Looking back, thinking back… I have come to the realization that one way or another I usually get what I want. The revelation came to me when I was looking at photos from my trip to New York last December. There were two pairs of shoes I wanted and though I could afford one of the two pairs, held off on both, knowing I should not spend ALL my vacation budget on one thing. Anyway, I never really quite forgot about either pair of shoes. And not even half a year after that vacation, both pairs of shoes were mine. I only came to realize that today in looking back at those photos that when I want something I do everything I can to make it happen, to make that object of my desire mine.

So that got me thinking. The gears in my brain kinda started to roll and I backtracked to several things that I have wanted throughout the years. And I realize that I am unable to process a “No” response. There is no such thing as “no” to me. I process that response as “not yet” or that perhaps I have not yet convinced a “yes” response. When I was a kid this led to so many temper tantrums. There’s a really strong will in me to pursue anything and everything that I want. Is this selfish? Maybe. Is this self-destructive? It can be. Is this hurtful to others? It has been in the past.

I was unrelenting in my pursuit of E.L. for quite a while. And not only did I get E.L., once I had it, I no longer wanted it. It’s the novelty of the  pursuit. Convincing you that what I want is what you want. Even if it’s not.

This unrelenting will to pursue can be positive, I will admit to that. In a sense, there’s this sort of guarantee that no matter what things will turn out OK, that in some shape or form the tide will turn in my favor – it just takes time. And no amount of rejection or negative response will keep me from pursuing my end goal. It also takes me a very long time to process rejection. It’s almost like my brain functions on fairy land, a world where reality does not matter, only the reality that I want to exist exists.

I still have fear just like everyone else. I fear not getting the job, I fear hearing that dreaded “no” and I fear hearing “I don’t want you.” I’m just like everyone else in this regard. But maybe I can assuage my fears in knowing that I always get what I want. In some manner or another, things turn out OK.

And I know how amazingly spoiled and bratty I sound. But is it really so wrong to stop at nothing to get what you want? Is it really so wrong to chase hard after what may possibly bring you joy (even if in the end it does not)?

I cannot accept defeat. Except just this once I think I have lost.

But always there remains this glimmer of hope in my heart and I just cannot seem to let go.

Yes, I sound like a horrible person. But this blog needs to be about honesty. If it means highlighting my worst points, so be it.

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