Looking back, thinking back… I have come to the realization that one way or another I usually get what I want. The revelation came to me when I was looking at photos from my trip to New York last December. There were two pairs of shoes I wanted and though I could afford one of the two pairs, held off on both, knowing I should not spend ALL my vacation budget on one thing. Anyway, I never really quite forgot about either pair of shoes. And not even half a year after that vacation, both pairs of shoes were mine. I only came to realize that today in looking back at those photos that when I want something I do everything I can to make it happen, to make that object of my desire mine.
So that got me thinking. The gears in my brain kinda started to roll and I backtracked to several things that I have wanted throughout the years. And I realize that I am unable to process a “No” response. There is no such thing as “no” to me. I process that response as “not yet” or that perhaps I have not yet convinced a “yes” response. When I was a kid this led to so many temper tantrums. There’s a really strong will in me to pursue anything and everything that I want. Is this selfish? Maybe. Is this self-destructive? It can be. Is this hurtful to others? It has been in the past.
I was unrelenting in my pursuit of E.L. for quite a while. And not only did I get E.L., once I had it, I no longer wanted it. It’s the novelty of the pursuit. Convincing you that what I want is what you want. Even if it’s not.
This unrelenting will to pursue can be positive, I will admit to that. In a sense, there’s this sort of guarantee that no matter what things will turn out OK, that in some shape or form the tide will turn in my favor – it just takes time. And no amount of rejection or negative response will keep me from pursuing my end goal. It also takes me a very long time to process rejection. It’s almost like my brain functions on fairy land, a world where reality does not matter, only the reality that I want to exist exists.
I still have fear just like everyone else. I fear not getting the job, I fear hearing that dreaded “no” and I fear hearing “I don’t want you.” I’m just like everyone else in this regard. But maybe I can assuage my fears in knowing that I always get what I want. In some manner or another, things turn out OK.
And I know how amazingly spoiled and bratty I sound. But is it really so wrong to stop at nothing to get what you want? Is it really so wrong to chase hard after what may possibly bring you joy (even if in the end it does not)?
I cannot accept defeat. Except just this once I think I have lost.
But always there remains this glimmer of hope in my heart and I just cannot seem to let go.
Yes, I sound like a horrible person. But this blog needs to be about honesty. If it means highlighting my worst points, so be it.