I am angry.

There’s so much anger in me. Breathing doesn’t do much to ease the tension clinging so hard to my shoulders, my neck, my head. And I can feel the anger hovering over me, pressing against me, weighing me down.

Everything makes me angry.

There’s a lack of control in most of the situations in my life. And it’s not that I need control, but would like just a little bit more than what I have. I think it’s that I’m naturally outspoken about my beliefs, about my opinions… and at work I have to remain quiet. I cannot speak my mind, I cannot address what is bothering me. I always just BLURT OUT (thoughtfully) what I need to say. There’s usually no need for restraint in my thought process. But at work I’m shackled to silence.

And situations cannot mend if there is an unawareness of the problem. So nothing changes. Nothing gets better. There’s this awful build up of anger within me, over me, permeating my skin, and radiating from me onto everyone. And I am not pleasant this way. And nothing gets better.

I am so sick of being angry. But I cannot simply relinquish all that bothers me. Instead I need for it to be fixed. And I have no control over this. No say in anything.

All the little things that should not phase me, phase me. And burn me out. By the end of the day I just feel so weighed down by everything that bothers me all day long…

Several times throughout the day my head feels heavy and light all at once. It’s like dizziness. It’s hard to focus. And I feel there are so many things going on in my mind. And I can’t focus on any one thing. And this causes mind confusion. And in those moments it’s hard to hear, hard to listen, hard to do anything. And then I take a deep breath and become very acutely aware of the dizziness.

I am angry.

But this just isn’t me. I’m always the first one to forgive and forget. Most especially forget. Usually it doesn’t matter. Because no matter what you say or do I don’t give in, and I don’t give up. Except there’s a conflict here. This relates to the previous post. I’m used to things going my way. But when things don’t go my way, that’s unacceptable, things have to get better. So it’s this constant tugging back and forth between not getting my way and not giving in. But I have no control over either. Neither will change. And I need change, crave change, must have change.

Everything about me just conflicts with itself in this never-ending circle of mass confusion. It’s like the Pisces sign. One fish goes one way, the other fish goes the opposite way. There is no meeting in between but consistently going in two directions in one ever-cycling, ever-changing circle. The two fish repel one another and yet co-exist in that circle. One side is upright and logical, and the other is backwards/upside down and emotional/non-sensical.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

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