Guilty

I supplement my lack of living by buying, buying, buying. And I will sit here with my pocketbook lying open and sadly empty, and still none the happier.

For too many people, being happy at home is pretty much an abstract idea, something they can’t know or imagine, until it appears on some taste maker’s must-have list, or in a magazine, or reposted on Tumblr. A home sweet home is not curated or produced by acquiring a perfect arrangement of chairs, lamps and friends. A real living space is made from living, not decorating. A bored materialist can’t understand that a house has to become a home. It happens, not through perfection but by participation.

Andy & Elsa Beach
Apartamento issue #07

I wonder when the day will come when I actually start living.

Everything I wish for feels impossibly impossible. Or I’m just not courageous enough to do anything and instead I’m just paralyzed, unmoving.

Things I wish for:

  • To move to Europe
  • Get a new job – one I feel passionate about
  • Quit my job and travel
  • Go back to school
  • Create art

Alone these things do not seem so hard. But, they are, to me. I feel like I need some form of reassurance that should I proceed things will turn out OK. I only have adults in my life that would say just how unreasonable my wishes are or take me lightly and tell me to just do something about it already. That makes me really sad to be honest. I mean, I never had any push from anyone to go to college and I finished that. But now that I’m out of college I just feel like the whole world has killed my dreams. And by that I don’t mean to say the world has actively gone out of its way to demolish my aspirations, but rather that the whole world seems a whole lot more… oppressive than I thought.

Why can’t I reach a content state of living? The point where I’m making sufficient amounts of money to buy not just the things I need, but all the things I want, too. To not have to worry about certain things because I’m living securely. Etc. etc.  etc.

I mainly feel so isolated. Like I just don’t belong anywhere. So I stay unmoving within the confines of my four walls where I know I am unhappy but relatively OK.

I just don’t know if it’s worth it going back to school. As much as I loved learning I just don’t want to feel that pressure anymore of deadlines, staying up late, writing because something is due.

But yes, the “real” thing bothering me is always the same. Always. There’s nothing I can do. Just wait. Wait and forget.

Continue Reading

Consuming Memories

Tu llegaste justo cuando menos te esperaba
Y te fuiste sin decirme ni siquiera adios
Me di cuenta que sin ti no podria ser yo nadie
Si me faltas tu mi amor para que vivir

Que te pasa corazon
Que cosas tiene el amor
Yo no quise enamorarme
Sorpresivamente asi
Ahora debes perdonarme
Por mi amor que eres tu

Bendigo la hora en que te conoci
Maldigo el momento en que te vi partir

I’m so tired of wasting time consuming memories by experiencing the happiness of focusing on memories instead of focusing on the happiness of experiencing. (Yes… I watched Daniel Kahneman: The riddle of experience vs. memory on TED.com)

I miss philosophy lectures. I miss my favorite professors. I miss thinking about obscure non-factual subject material. I miss you most of all.

Ugh.

Haven’t seen most of my friends in about 3 weeks. And strangely I don’t mind. I’ve been really quite focused on work. Yeah, that place that brings me misery during the day, but gives my life some kind of … meaning or something. How pathetic. But I guess when you get calls waking you up at 3am and text messages at 9pm that are all work-related … you don’t really have a choice but to make work the most meaningful thing in your life. I feel so resigned that I don’t even mind to a certain extent.

But it also makes life feel quite boring.

And that is the most sad thing of all. Life isn’t boring. At least I hope not.

I’m going to a Nightwish concert tomorrow night just for the hell of it. I haven’t seen them in a while. I haven’t even heard any new material from them in a very long time (since the last time I saw Nightwish in concert). And for the “new” singer to sing the songs the original singer created feels like a betrayal. OG > “New” Singer.

Once again I’ve been focusing on the interior design of my apartment. I really quite love the way I moved everything. Now it’s just about perfect. And fuck… I wonder why I’m vitamin-D deficient. I go to work before there’s any sun, and drive in the sunlight for 20 minutes when I get off work and… then seclude myself in my apartment the rest of the evening. Never thought I’d have to literally go tanning or something… just to get a dose of sunlight. I’m even driving with my sunroof opened so my skin can absorb some goddamn vitamins.

At this point my blog entries can all just end in a resounding SIGH.

Continue Reading

Once is Never Enough

There’s no such thing as a one-night stand with you. It can never be just once. Before the first night is over you’ve already asked me to come back and see you, and then another time and another and before we both know it you and I are seeing each other once a week, if not more. Figure me out. And once you do, there will be no need for us to ever see one another. The diagnosis is clear: we’re just not cut out to see each other. Until you want to see me again.

I’m romanticizing doctor’s appointments.

Currently: my white blood cell count is too high, my red blood cells are “falling” at a too-fast rate, and I’m Vitamin-D deficient by a landslide. It’s interesting to know that each and every one of these tests mention immune system and inflammation problems. My results speak for what’s going on with my body physically and outwardly. There’s this substantial proof that physically something is wrong with me. I’m not just making it up, but I am honestly having some kind of reaction.

Additionally I need to get an ultrasound, my testosterone levels are above normal, and I’m now taking Meloxicam for rheumatoid arthritis (if in case that’s what’s going on with me right now).  I also discovered I’m allergic to dust mites and shrimp, of all things. Luckily I don’t favor seafood so I have not eaten shrimp in years.

Ugh, my joints are itchy and swelling up right now. It didn’t happen at all in the morning yesterday for the first time. This morning the joint swelling was minimal and now it’s back albeit much calmer than previous times. Currently I’m obsessing over my lab results. When I went to see my primary physician we ran labs that required 9 tubes of blood and when I saw the rheumatologist the labs required 10 tubes of blood. We’re moving up the ladder here…

I see an allergist on Monday with a 3rd doctor just so we can explore all options. And then following that I get an ultra sound. Splendid.

Mean time I’m sort of stressed over taxes. And applying a steroidal cream for the itchiness. Life is currently at a standstill. I just want to figure this thing out and move on. But ever-so-not-secretly … I know I want to get diagnosed with something. Difficult to explain. But let’s fix this, come on already. :\

Continue Reading