Masquerade

Non stop non stop non stop. That’s been my life lately. Going out, random hangs, etc.

And all that rush hides just how unhappy I am. No amount of excitement seems to make me feel better. I do too much, I feel exhausted. I do too little, I feel bored. There is no happy middle-ground because at the end of the day what makes me happy is really really amazing conversation. There’s a severe lack of that in my life. I feel like ┬ámy brain is rotting away.

So I started writing a “short story” except I got bored with it. Now I’m reading some philosophical articles on JSTOR c/o my university. Despite doing these things what’s missing is someone to share these passions with at the end of the day. I can’t feel excitement if there’s no one to outwardly express and share my excitement with, if that makes sense. For example… the new F/W 2012 Isabel Marant collection – I wanted to share some of the runway photos on facebook only to realize that most likely no one I know/friend/follow on fbook would understand what “Isabel Marant” even is… And then if I want to talk about Kantian philosophy, well… that would be even harder.

Lol I don’t mean to liken my life to 90210. But I’m going to refer to it anyway. Each character has their own set of passions, strengths, their own little adventures, but at the end of the day they always share it with one another yadda yadda. What’s funny is that right now most of them are venturing out and finding their passions and they don’t have any boyfriends (which is new though truthfully each characters’ relationship lasts like what, 2 eps?). So it’s nice to see characters on my favorite show kind of trying to find something amazing to do with life despite being in or out of college.

There’s always this problem of what is my passion and why am I not pursuing it? So annoying. :\

I like:

Art, Fashion, Makeup Artistry, Video Games, Literature, Film, Music, Technology, Interior Design, etccccc. The list is just too expansive. And initially I loved that I could relate to most people in one form or another because my interests are so varied. Now I just want one major passion so that I can go after it to make myself happy. If I knew I loved photography the most then I would go out and take a photography class and start taking photos. And though I do love photography it isn’t exactly my top priority though it would be pretty cool to take a class anyway. That’s exactly what I mean. I can just kind of shrug and be very content doing all these artsy things but at the end of the day I don’t want to pursue any of them permanently.

I need a fucking hobby. Something to FOCUS on. A passion that drives me. Something I know I am good at and can excel in, you know? Life cannot possibly be this boring. I know it isn’t. But too many things interest me that I never quite know how to keep entertained. I end up stationary, unmoving.

There’s always this feeling that life is moving around me, not that I am moving with life. I’m aging – fuck, I’m 23 already. I have accomplished nothing, feel nothing, mean nothing.

Can one person feel this complexly miserable over such a simple facet of life?

Where are all the people that like what I like? I don’t know a single fashionista in real life. It’s the most depressing thing. I want to talk about new collections, what staple items to add to a classic wardrobe, which shoes are on trend, etc. UGHHHHHH…

Here’s a contradiction: I want to have things in common with my friends except my passions and my situation are sort of uncommon. I don’t think many recent college graduates (that I know) are out and about looking for their 2nd pair of Prada heels while at the same time listening to relatively unknown bands blasting out of their BMW and living in their own apartment.

Don’t get me wrong: I am so so so blessed. But at the same time how would I find someone my age that is in a similar position as me?

At this point my extent of commonality with my friends extends to a few TV shows here and there (and even then it’s only because I watch so many of them to begin with) and smoking. Oh and we’re all college-educated. It isn’t much to go on and I love my friends. I just want someone who understand my likes and maybe likes those things, too.

This is a stupid, poorly written rant. But I’m not apologizing. I need to rant. I’m still unhappy in most every facet of my life right now. :\

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