DayAugust 12, 2012

Mistaking Motion for Action

I feel so incredibly anxious, restless, upset, frustrated. My life is at a complete standstill. I like change, crave change. But there’s no change in my life right now. I feel powerless and maybe even penniless to create change.

Back when I worked in produce I had my own apartment in a city away from my family. It was independence at its best. Interior design brought me SUCH JOY. I felt like a real adult. There was nothing like coming home to my perfect apartment. I didn’t take it for granted, I appreciated my place every single flippin’ day. Yet I felt immensely lonely, isolated, and for some reason still yearned to move out of the country even though my life felt so “set.” I don’t pretend that moving is going to fix my loneliness issues, but somehow the forced independence just feels… appropriate.

Right now in this very moment I am so extremely stressed by my inability to change anything in my life. I don’t know how moving away would solve ANYTHING anyway. In fact, moving to another country would stress me out more. Are you kidding? New language, new culture, attempting to make friends in a completely foreign place, getting lost, learning how to do taxes in a new country, etc. etc. etc. Maybe I’m too practical. I feel inundated by FEAR. The moment I imagine myself in another country my stomach twists into knots and I feel very real fear.

But yet… I continue to idealize moving to Europe. And I continue to think about it. I continue to look countries up online. And I also continue to stress myself out about something that’s not even happening in my life right now.

I just want to know someone in another country. You know, to get reassured that everything will be FINE when I get there. Someone that is familiar with the culture, the lifestyle, the currency, the language, the flippin’ government documents. Gosh, I hate this constant need for reassurance, this dependence on someone else. There will be NO ONE at the other side of the world to hold my hand.

Hell, there’s no one in this country holding my hand either. And I stress about it. While on familiar ground. And it makes me depressed that there’s no one here pushing me harder, motivating me.

No matter where in the world I am there won’t be anyone holding my hand. So I need to stop needing that form of guidance. I feel like I can only just barely stand on my own two feet. Moving to another country could either completely debilitate me or it could help me earn some independence muscle.

I hate thinking about this all the time. But I KNOW, I KNOW my heart is in Europe. I just feel so at peace there. I just don’t know if this is enough of a motivating factor to drive me to do what is currently so impossible for me to fathom. I don’t know if I’m just feeling vulnerable and restless.

My life should be stable before I try to make it a mess. Why make a mess into a disaster?

I’m in a very bad place emotionally these days. I keep it to myself. I never thought I’d be in this situation again. I left this situation in 11th grade and now I’m back. How do you climb a mountain after you’ve fallen off a hill?

I need you now more than ever.

In reality, “you” no longer stands for you, but for anyone. You let me down.