Simultaneous

I feel a simultaneous mixture of sadness and relief not talking to Steven right now. I don’t know if I really am falling in love with him or if I’m just getting really caught up in what we have together. It’s so difficult for me to differentiate my emotions sometimes.

At the same time I still miss all the things I had with Matthew. I miss how he was able to read my private blog posts (and did at least once, to my knowledge). Everything reminds me of something we once talked about. Light blue reminds me of him because it’s a color he wore so often. But regardless of how close we got he always kept a distance, strangely enough. And that information comes to me now, in retrospect. Sigh. I miss having our movie list together. And I miss our twelve hour long conversations.

Mostly I feel sad.

Again, a small part of me… feels relieved that my time is my own again. It’s like I can breathe again. Not talking to Steven, I mean.

But then I want him to message me anyway. Even though I made it very clear I want him to respect my momentary separation. Ugh. I just feel so frustrated.

I don’t want to feel. I just want to be. And be content. Without anything or anyone.

I doused myself in vitamin D this morning. I took a 50,000 IU pill of vitamin D and took two 600 mg pills of calcium to help my body absorb the vitamin D. Hopefully this helps to lift my spirits. Feeling ill is not something I want to deal with anymore. Plus I still have a bit of a cold. So I’ve been trying to get as much sleep as possible. But sleeping so much like that doesn’t help me… it makes me feel more ill and bed-ridden or something. Maybe I’ve been pushing my body too hard exercising while I still have a cold. :\

Tomorrow I get to see Sandy. I love spending time with that girl. 🙂 She’ll help recharge my positive attitude. We have so much to talk about anyway! That’ll be fun! I’m so glad to have both Sandy and Elizabeth back in my life. They’re both like my long lost loves. They’re so different and yet so supportive. <3 My focus for the rest of the month should be spent of knowing how blessed I am with good friends.

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