Desire

Mostly I feel upset with myself for letting things get as far as they have. Slowly I’m starting to feel nothing again. But shortly after feeling something I feel such sorrowful nothing. Lately I’ve been pushing my limits in the hopes of feeling something. Now I’m just annoyed with myself for making immoral decisions – which is so completely unlike me – in the search for a glimmer of real emotion.

My love’s expiration date is six years. After six years, finally, I no longer care about Matthew. Finally right? There isn’t much else I want to say about it. I wasted my time, I can’t get that time back. So okay, it’s time to walk away and put it behind me.

I’m having so much trouble figuring out just what it is I want these days. Some days and some times it’s absolutely nothing. And then I want everything. And then I’ll come to the conclusion that I want only something very specific that probably doesn’t exist.

Wow I’m just really apathetic this week. Very little is phasing me.

One thing I do want is to cuddle in bed with SW. But I don’t want anything beyond that. I just want his company, his presence. And maybe I say that only because he was in my room yesterday. Will almost any BODY suffice? Hm… the thought of that is extremely discomforting.

What has been bothering me is that I want company every day. Before – a few months ago – I was sorta OK on the computer, watching movies, reading, going out alone. NOW… doing anything alone irks me. I mean, I’ve always wanted someone to talk to about the films I watch (or for someone to watch with me), or talk to someone about what I’m reading… but now it seems almost NECESSARY. And I feel a bit panicky when there isn’t anyone to talk to (which is still often despite the sudden surge of people in my life).

My goal this year is to be fine without anyone. Go back to solitary pursuits. But it seems more and more I’m leaning the other way. But people only want you when they need you, never when I need them. Sigh.

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