I’ll always be the girl that’s never meant anything to anyone.
I could say that over and over. Its truth does manage to bother me from time to time. But it’s a truth that will always remain a truth so I slowly try to accept it.
The last few months have really fucked with me. I’ve learned a few things about my preferences. Some of it scares me. Some of it is exciting. (Really I mean to say excites me but that’s maybe a little bit too telling?)
These past few months have brought on way too many sexual experiences, my head is spinning. I don’t even want to go into retelling any of it. Some were quick spur of the moment memories and others were … well, one other – with Steven, lasted several months. I began quite hesitantly on this extended experience… knowing very well it would not end well. It ended yesterday. I gave a little bit more than I intended to give of myself to this other person. I RARELY if ever allow myself to feel, but the nature of the affair required it. So yeah… fucked me over.
Surprisingly I feel nothing right now. I moped around all day, sleeping a lot. Dreamt of him a lot today. But now I’ve used up my emotional reserve and once again – I am unfeeling. For which I am grateful.
Now that this extended affair is over I can return to all the things that make me happy, that bring me life enjoyment. During these past few months all my spare time went into making sure I was pleasing him, not myself. Most of my hobbies were pushed to the side because I didn’t have time to focus on him AND me. So now New York Fashion Week is underway and I can focus on fashion again. I can start watching my TV shows again, etc. Then again, making him happy made me happy. Now that I’ve realized that making someone else happy brings me pleasure, too, I feel as though I immediately need a replacement. But I know that’s not the answer.
I’m doing things for myself tomorrow. Shopping, spa day, etc. 🙂 I’m pretty excited!
Also I can’t wait for my birthday! Not that I have any concrete plans or anything but I’m turning twenty four! Lolol… I can’t believe I’m a full-fledged adult. I really want this year to mean something.
On a different note, I’m really quite excited with my progress these past few months as well. I’ve been eating healthily, working out nearly every day… I think I’m somewhere between a size 4/6… maybe. It’s hard to tell since I keep losing inches. What I really want though is to have a very defined stomach. I’ve got definite obliques and the beginnings of ab lines. But still… you know, I need obvious definition. I’m so passionate about having a body I am proud of. I want it to be obvious that I’m fit and athletic, not just… “thin.” Almost anyone can be thin, but being athletic – that requires time and effort and dedication. 🙂
I’m really very committal, I’ve realized.
Sigh sigh sigh. On to different things now! Even if now my nights are going to be spent without him, I am grateful.
Sometimes I hate where RANDOM POSTS takes me. I just read a whole slew of posts regarding Steven, from 2008. I don’t remember feeling that way about him in 2008. Uh… wow.