First step: self-awareness. HELLO. There’s a problem. HELLO. I’ve had a problem.
My guess is this whole hypomanic episode began sometime in late November when my mood started to shift from radiant and happy to irritated. It’s actually around the time I started making horrible decisions. Careless inattention to the future effects of my actions.
I’m going to fucking null and void everything from late November to now.
I’ve also been saying for months, “No more alcohol” and I have yet to succeed… whereas in 2011 I stopped drinking for about 8-9 months without a single problem. This inability to control my willpower is unlike me. My willpower is my strength. I can challenge myself to ANYTHING and I can follow through. But I’ve been setting a goal for myself for months and somehow… just not really going through with it, at all. So something within me shifted.
I haven’t been in complete control of my decision-making.
I know better. And I know that I know better.
Letting myself fall to the influence of others is also unlike me.
GOAL: be more conscious of whatthefuck you’re doing before acting.
Specifics are incredibly hard to reveal to myself right now. But I literally PUT MYSELF IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION without thinking it through. And the consequences ARE/COULD BE/MIGHT HAVE BEEN bad. Like really bad. And in the moment I just didn’t even give a fuck.
I’ve also said some really stupid shit as of late. REALLY STUPID. Things I can’t possibly mean. Things I know I don’t mean. But in my hypomanic state, they seem real. Seemed real? It’s hard to know if I’m still in the aforementioned state.
Fucking christ, though. I honestly cannot believe the stupid shit I’ve done recently. Nowhere in my mind do my recent actions fit in with the person that I am.
What I really need right now is a friend. Not lovers. Friends. I don’t know when my needs changed. In fact… they shouldn’t change. I always and forever need support, stability, and good friends. Lovers don’t give you anything – they just take, take, take – until you’re left shattered in pieces trying to figure out where it all went wrong and why you’re left feeling so broken and incomplete.
Love will never be in my future. So I don’t know why, for a minute, I expected it. Want nothing. Expect nothing. Depend on nothing.
Maybe I just got confused by the sudden surge of people in my life, by the sudden confidence falsely created by my hypomanic episode.
I’m still learning. I’m still learning. Lesson learned.
Loneliness is the worst emotion and perhaps my most frequent as well.