I’ve committed multiple acts of betrayal as of late.
I’m just so confused why nothing ever suffices. What am I waiting for to make me happy? Do I even enjoy the moments in which I am happy? Sometimes it feels like I’m just waiting for the moment in which I am miserable again. But then once I’m here everything hurts.
At this point what I wish most is to go back to a different time. But then I sat here and wondered “which time?” All of my time has been filled with such a mixture of both joy and pain that I cannot possibly justify going back to re-experience any of that pain even for a glimmer of that familiar happiness I so crave. Present happiness never suffices. Only past happiness. And future happiness is so uncertain that I immediately disregard it as unreal, impossible.
The only time period that ever seemed perfect was 9th grade. I’ve said that for YEARS AND YEARS. But really there wasn’t much happening extraordinarily back then, but at the same time… nothing bad occurred either. But it was the year before a lot of pain.
I remember 10th grade in blood and tears and pain.
I just looked down and realized I was holding in tears. So I’m crying now.
11th grade was nice. That was the year I moved out of my mom’s house. The year I got really close to Eric H. I think. In 11th grade I may have still been pining for Eric L. Wow… that is just forever ago. Almost laughable. And as soon as I had what I wanted, I no longer wanted it. This may have bled into 12th grade as well.
12th grade was hell. More blood, tears, bruises, etc.
College. I started talking to Matthew before I even started college. Summer just before. My heart just drops. If there’s one thing I wish I could undo it would be this. But the connection was instant. Oh god. But if he and I had just never spoken, I wouldn’t have ever become friends with Steven either.
Fact: I really missed Steven on Sunday. So much so I started crying. But to cry for someone that treated me so poorly is just unacceptable.
Fact: I try very hard to please.
Fact: The people I try to please are 1. not deserving 2. impossible to please 3. people I surround myself with 4. people I am more than happy to make happy. Until finally I am discarded, no longer useful, no longer needed.
Fact: I feel as though I cannot ever make anyone happy because I keep failing no matter how much I try, no matter how much I do, how much I love. It’s not ever enough. My love becomes a basis for rejection. And yet these people constantly ask and ask and ask for more and more love. So much love that I feel as though I will burst with how much love I feel and how little I get in return. Though one of my favorite quotes explains it best.
I have this dream. In this dream there is a man. And though this man is rich, successful, famous, he is unhappy, so very unhappy. He is unhappy because the love around him, the love in the hearts of those he cared for most, was beginning to shrivel and wither away. And this, in turn, made his own heart begin to grow in order to make up for the love that was disappearing around him. And the more the love in the hearts of those around him shriveled up, the bigger his own heart grew in order to make up for the growing emptiness that he now began to feel. So the love kept withering away and his heart kept growing bigger. Until one day there was so little love around him and his own heart so big—it burst into a thousand red petals that filled the sky and fell slowly, so very slowly, to the earth. And the people, his friends, the ones who had withheld their love, began to swallow the petals, these remains of the man’s glorious heart as they fell from the sky. Hungrily, they fed. Greedily, they swallowed. They pushed and shoved each other, gorging themselves on these petals because they felt that then they too would become like the man. Rich, famous, beautiful, lonely …
I can only stay strong so much longer without reciprocation.
There were more facts I wanted to talk about. But time isn’t on my side as per usual.