MonthMay 2013


It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days…Lightly, lightly—it’s the best advice ever given me. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly, my darling.

— Aldous Huxley

It’s so easy for me to forget to feel lightly. These past few months I have let myself feel, and feel openly and feel passionately (overly so perhaps). I’m more known for guarding my emotions than sharing them openly. So I don’t know what made me think that sharing my emotions was suddenly a “good idea.” Surprise, it just wasn’t. Maybe I was aiming for healthy sharing of information with peers, friends, etc. But being such a damn bleeding heart as of late has caused me extreme emotional distress. How could I have forgotten that it’s better to feel nothing?

I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired of trying to find happiness. I am content. Things are OK the way they are right now. I have so many other pursuits and interests that emotional pursuits are just weighing me down.

I must be resolute in my decisions. Unwavering in my selfishness. My health is so much more important than anything else. I cannot be weighed down. Nothing phases me.

There is a part of me that is so easily manipulated. A very weak part of me. And that weakness has been very obvious for some time now, as I’ve let myself become more openly emotional. And I just can’t let that side of me show anymore.

What I really need is more time alone. More time to just do what interests me and what makes me feel okay.

It’s never okay for one person to treat another person poorly. But people still do. And that is so hurtful to me. And some naive part of me believes that it’s not intentional or done cruelly. Why does cruelty bring people such satisfaction? That is so unfathomable to me (despite the fact I have several times treated people thus). I need to stay away from hurtful people.

My health is more important. My mental well-being is more important than any perceived benefit from something hurtful. I must be strong enough to remember that. I keep ignoring how much I’ve been hurt lately. I just brush it off… but no, I need to stay away from it.

This has been happening too often and too much. Why do people always feel it’s okay for them to do something and then if I attempt something similar the world is ending and so much anger is directed towards me? Sad sigh.

The only thing I know to do is to stay away. That’s not my battle. I’m not made for anger or battles anymore. I did that for much too long to have the strength to do this again. I’m now more hands-off, I retreat, I ignore, pretend like what’s happening isn’t as fucked up as it is in reality. Because I just don’t want to fight anymore. In a way this feels like I’ve given up or lost my strength of will. But I know I just don’t want to feel anger anymore. Not after feeling so angry for so many years. All my anger ever did was leave me bruised and bloody. I stood up for what I felt was right for so many years and suffered as a result. Suffered physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Now I have little to no fight left in me – but still, I hurt and I suffer. But at least I am without anger. Resentment isn’t something I want to feel. Maybe my thinking/personality is avoidant and escapist but that preferable to me at this point in time.

I am perfectly okay with how I am. And that’s what is most important.

The specifics of what have led me to this post are just not shareable. Unfortunately. But hopefully I will remember what led me down this road. Keywords: work, emotions, men, relationships, coworkers. Please Bri, don’t forget the specifics.

forfeit liberty

Shake off the chills, just don’t look into his eyes
(Keep your head down)
Think of all the things
They told you he did that were so wrong
This last ounce of love is what kept you so inspired.

You lost yourself along the way
Gave into temptation
Enslaved by a false list of values
You try so hard to keep to

I miss my old life. I said it then and I still think it now – my life was perfect. Oh someone take me back to April 10, 2012. I would do it all over again. I would just have to know then what I know now. Saddest inaudible sigh of all time.

From one year to the next I’ve grown in so many ways. I’ve evolved. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I have learned a great deal of things. I’m not sure I can even consider myself the same person. Sometimes stepping away can give you clarity. And sometimes experiencing things you don’t want to experience can change you, for the better.

S has taught me a lot about myself as well. I can’t help but to think that some of this positive change can be attributed to him. I know he hasn’t really actively been trying to teach me anything about positive change, but our interactions have made me so much stronger. And by stronger, I don’t mean stronger in personality; truly, I mean quite the opposite. S has taught me patience, learning to wait, learning to speak respectfully and in turn, and so much more. In other words, I’ve learned how to be submissive. My aggression and anger have considerably lessened. My capriciousness has lessened as well, I hope. Well… that’s still a work in progress. I’ve created a set of rules for myself (in a sense) and I find myself feeling quite liberated being under his care and under the care of rules/principles to live by. But generally I’m learning to be pleasing, pleasant. To me, this is one of the most valuable skills anyone can learn: to be pleasing. It’s politeness, really. And feeling pleasure from pleasing. I’m also learning to obey (working on obeying without question).

For example, now, when Mom tells me to do something, I just do it. There is no argument. There is no, “but why?” There is only obedience and feeling okay by completing something small, maybe insignificant, but that will bring the other person a lot of pleasure. Pleasure in my company, in my obedience, in my general agreeable nature.

This is definitely not something I had before. At all.

So I just feel I’m learning.

My present position somewhat uses this ability, too.  There’s nothing worse than an employee that says, “I can’t because I’m doing x, y, z.” Instead it’s far more pleasant to say, “Yes, I’ll do x, just quickly finishing y.” No one should feel the stress you’re feeling even if you’re doing five different things. One other manager always says, “I’m doing this already” when General Manager requests assistance. Me? There is no refusal. You can never refuse your boss. You just adjust accordingly. You need to be able to assist them when they need you otherwise they wouldn’t be asking for assistance! Being invaluable in this way, and being able to get things done is of utmost importance.

The same applied to my previous office job. But I didn’t have the same mindset. I felt like I was being treated poorly when instead I should have considered myself a valuable asset for even being capable of assisting. What seemed like a mindless task that the salesman could have done was actually just a small thing that I could help them not have to think about when they were doing all these other things. But instead I would get angry in this, “can’t you do it yourself?” kind of way. And why yes they probably could have, but if I can be of some value, I will be far more pleasing.

All of these things I have learned over the past few months. It’s taken me from aggressive to submissive. But submission requires strength to put the needs of others above your own in the sense that it will fulfill my needs to fulfill theirs. As in, PAYCHECK, if I fulfill the needs of others, which fulfills my life needs. It’s such a bizarre and new-found freedom to submit to someone else.

Now if only I can learn to command more respect. But that’s a whole other skill that I have yet to acquire. It requires learning how to phrase things so people feel useful, not used. Because not everyone is submissive. And not everyone can realize that just saying YES is a much more positive thing rather than making excuses or not taking the EFFORT to accommodate a simple request. Life would be so much simpler if people just respected one another.

But I feel that I’ve found some kind of zen or something with this new mindset. Because I love the benefits I receive as a result of my submission, I think it will suffice to keep me inspired to continue pursuing it.

Is this really my new personality or am I taking on something that’s really going to be very hard to keep to?

Moonie mentioned to me she wasn’t used to seeing me so submissive (I was with a guy). I think I’m very strong, personally. But when it comes to men… I prefer to relinquish that control I cling onto so dearly in my own life when I’m alone. In other words, I need control exercised over me. And I don’t necessarily have to be the one with that control, though I have for so long. I value Moonie’s opinion over most though. And despite the fact she doesn’t quite label her relationship she’s a total Domme. And her boyfriend is completely submissive. And it works. And it’s really quite perfect. And I love observing it. There’s complete mutual respect but she tells him her needs and he fulfills them, without question. It makes my heart pitter-patter. I want to be able to fulfill someone’s needs just like that.