Lightly

It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days…Lightly, lightly—it’s the best advice ever given me. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly, my darling.

— Aldous Huxley

It’s so easy for me to forget to feel lightly. These past few months I have let myself feel, and feel openly and feel passionately (overly so perhaps). I’m more known for guarding my emotions than sharing them openly. So I don’t know what made me think that sharing my emotions was suddenly a “good idea.” Surprise, it just wasn’t. Maybe I was aiming for healthy sharing of information with peers, friends, etc. But being such a damn bleeding heart as of late has caused me extreme emotional distress. How could I have forgotten that it’s better to feel nothing?

I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired of trying to find happiness. I am content. Things are OK the way they are right now. I have so many other pursuits and interests that emotional pursuits are just weighing me down.

I must be resolute in my decisions. Unwavering in my selfishness. My health is so much more important than anything else. I cannot be weighed down. Nothing phases me.

There is a part of me that is so easily manipulated. A very weak part of me. And that weakness has been very obvious for some time now, as I’ve let myself become more openly emotional. And I just can’t let that side of me show anymore.

What I really need is more time alone. More time to just do what interests me and what makes me feel okay.

It’s never okay for one person to treat another person poorly. But people still do. And that is so hurtful to me. And some naive part of me believes that it’s not intentional or done cruelly. Why does cruelty bring people such satisfaction? That is so unfathomable to me (despite the fact I have several times treated people thus). I need to stay away from hurtful people.

My health is more important. My mental well-being is more important than any perceived benefit from something hurtful. I must be strong enough to remember that. I keep ignoring how much I’ve been hurt lately. I just brush it off… but no, I need to stay away from it.

This has been happening too often and too much. Why do people always feel it’s okay for them to do something and then if I attempt something similar the world is ending and so much anger is directed towards me? Sad sigh.

The only thing I know to do is to stay away. That’s not my battle. I’m not made for anger or battles anymore. I did that for much too long to have the strength to do this again. I’m now more hands-off, I retreat, I ignore, pretend like what’s happening isn’t as fucked up as it is in reality. Because I just don’t want to fight anymore. In a way this feels like I’ve given up or lost my strength of will. But I know I just don’t want to feel anger anymore. Not after feeling so angry for so many years. All my anger ever did was leave me bruised and bloody. I stood up for what I felt was right for so many years and suffered as a result. Suffered physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Now I have little to no fight left in me – but still, I hurt and I suffer. But at least I am without anger. Resentment isn’t something I want to feel. Maybe my thinking/personality is avoidant and escapist but that preferable to me at this point in time.

I am perfectly okay with how I am. And that’s what is most important.

The specifics of what have led me to this post are just not shareable. Unfortunately. But hopefully I will remember what led me down this road. Keywords: work, emotions, men, relationships, coworkers. Please Bri, don’t forget the specifics.

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