MonthAugust 2013

moratorium.

It’s so funny how when the depression is dead, so too are the words. I’ve got very little left to say. Work is great again. I’ve been social every day. I went to the movies yesterday (alone) to recharge. Also did some reading beforehand. Started my workouts again. I’m caught up on sleep.

I do have to say here and there I do find myself feeling a sense of lack. But it’s not in any way debilitating. I have accepted my lack of control in this new surprising situation. And so feeling lack is perfectly normal. And that keeps me from just outright… sinking into some dark unfathomable depth of despair. Though I am finding myself wanting to retreat further into myself in subtle ways.

Anyway, maybe I’ll have a few more words tomorrow. For now, I’m done.

de rigueur

“Why are you afraid of falling for someone?” I asked.
“I have every reason to be,” she said.
“But you don’t mind if people fall for you.”
“No, I don’t. I can’t help it.”
“Yes you can. But you like it. Why is that?”
“I find pleasure in destroying others.”
“You’re destroyed.”
“I know. And I did it to myself.”
“So it’s like you’re seeking revenge then.”
“No, I just don’t want to feel alone.”
“But you still feel alone. Don’t you?”
“I do. And I do it to myself.”

I just want to live and breathe Brandon Li Oda’s tumblr right now.

There will come a time in your life when you will feel absolutely defeated to the point where you’ll wish you could quietly disappear from the face of the earth. It may even happen more than once. You will feel like you have lost. And you will feel lost. The world will seem much colder than it already is, and it’ll feel like it is crumbling before your very own eyes. You’ll have no grasp on anything or anyone. Your hopes and dreams will slip through the spaces between your fingers like sand. Giving up will seem to be your only option, because you cannot see any hint of light at the end of your tunnel. You will be entirely engulfed by sadness and think, “It can’t get any worse than this.”

My mood is much improved. It is with a clear mind and an empty heart that I am finally able to say “I’m OK!” 🙂

I started this post hours and hours ago… but I’ve been keeping busy at work. I’ll write more later.

Making Mistakes

I’m finding a lot of solace in Brandon Li Oda’s tumblr. He writes something akin to “personal poetic prose.”

Dear god. I just experienced this very strange mind/time sensation that happens when I’m depressed. I just realized it’s Thursday and I feel like Sunday is so very far away. And my mind isn’t as focused or as sharp as usual. And my mood is pretty shitty. I was doing so well. I was very agreeable, very bubbly, very … not this. I feel like I just regressed back to August of last year when my depression was at its worst. Holy fuck.

I don’t know what I can do to get out of this. It’s like I’m sinking deeper into some dark abyss and regardless of how strong I am nothing can get me out. Not even the sheer strength of my will. For DAYS I’ve been saying, “get out of bed, Bri. Get out of bed. Do something productive. Do something to distract yourself.” And I can’t. I can’t. I can’t move. I’m half here at work.

This feeling is so familiar and it’s wretched. What really makes me want to cry right now is that I was doing SO WELL. For a year. I managed to be happy (more or less – some sadness existed, but definitely no depression pervaded) for a whole year.

I just can’t believe how in the time span of two weeks I managed to successfully fuck everything up. Everything that I have worked so very hard to build, shattered.

And what also hurts is that I know I need help getting out of this, but as always the one person I wish could help, won’t. Isn’t that always the case? Isn’t that part of the hopelessness? Only when I recreate my self-sufficiency will I be happy again.

Oh I can’t even really breathe. I want to go crawl back into bed until this awful feeling subsides.

What I really need to do is what I do best – create an action-based plan on how I’m going to fix everything, one at a time. But the motivation is just severely lacking. And previously, motivation was not something I lacked.

This isn’t me.

Mental Acquity

For starters, yesterday was amazing. I was definitely in a mood. Like just in a bad fucking mood. A strange mixture of desperation, depression, and anxiety. My friend Sebastian was thankfully available to hang out and listen to me. I vented. I shared. We went to dinner in downtown Long Beach (my happiest of all places). Then we picked up Javi and we all watched The Avengers together with a few glasses of wine. 🙂 This morning I was feeling… recuperated from my bad mood.

And then on my drive to work… I was in the 2nd lane flanked by a big truck to my left. A car from the 3rd lane was getting awfully close and without turning signals, without so much as looking, decided to switch into my lane. And hit my car. But I had noticed the car getting closer… so just before the car hit me/switched lanes I sped up and got as close to the left lane as possible without hitting the big truck. But the dumbass car in the 3rd lane still hit my car on the passenger side and my car swerved but I braked. I immediately put my emergency signal and moved to the far right to either pull over or exit the freeway. I exited the freeway. The other car did not.

And now I’m once again battling between logic and emotion. Logically this will get taken care of, this will get fixed, this is just another one of life’s many hardships. Emotionally, I just want to cry, and give up in one gigantic exasperated sigh. Cry and go under my covers. But I know LOGICALLY crying will change nothing. Giving up will not fix anything. And yet most people need some kind of emotional release even if it serves no logical function. But I’m utilitarian. If crying/feeling shitty serves no utility to me, why bother?

I’m just so fucking ANNOYED and ANGRY. These emotions are far more acceptable to me because they’re not associated with weakness the way sadness/crying/whining/bitching are. I just cannot believe the other car didn’t pull over yannoe? UGH. Why can’t people just take responsibility for their fucking stupidity?

And speaking of low mental acquity… geezus christ. Why must there always be someone at work that just doesn’t fucking…. get it?! It tests my patience day in and day out. It’s like a test of life. I am confronted by the one thing that irritates the fucking life out of me… constantly. Why must this be ever-present in my life? Why can’t people just… operate on a higher level, mentally? I know, I know. I’m a bitch for having such high expectations. But I mean christ, I expect my peers to be intelligent. I just can’t stand it when people aren’t all there. It makes me want to punch a wall.

And I know I can’t change anything but myself. So why get so worked up over it right? I suppose it’s because it negatively effects the quality of my work when other people fuck up. And the quality of MY work is held to the highest of all standards. MY work must be the very best it possibly can be insofar as it is in my capability to improve or produce.

I feel like punching a fucking wall right now. My mother told eeeeveryone in the family about my car accident this morning. I’m very reserved. And I’m reserved because it’s the only way to keep my composure. But when everyone is asking me personal/emotional questions I cannot feign composure. I literally just had to step away right now because I was this close to losing my temper. And I was this close to punching a wall in the bathroom just now.

Breathe, Bri. Breathe. This week will pass. This month will pass. These moments will pass.