Grown Up

I want grown up love. The kind of serious love that comes over time. The kind of love where responsibilities are shared and respect is mutual. My main concern with this is the “over time” bit… in which I always want to be just ahead of where I am presently. Which also means presently I must be actively working towards what I want “over time.” Nothing will happen “over time” unless I am presently already in the works. And if nothing presently exists that will propel me to where I want to be “over time” I am already delayed, late, cannot possibly succeed.

And so I live anxiously always. My expectations are so high. Over time I’ve learned most if not all of my expectations will be met and it’s true, my life is amazing. I’m so grateful for where I am in this moment in time. Everything about life is spectacular. But because I know more and better things are in store, I want to be THERE not HERE.

When will being HERE finally suffice?

I’m so annoyed. The annoyance started yesterday. Maybe Monday. Maybe Sunday. Hell, maybe it even started Saturday night. I grow impatient sometimes. I usually say I have a lot of patience and it’s true… I do. But as soon as patience is lost, I can’t seem to get it back. I’m always looking to the future, to the next thing, for the next cataclysmic event to shape my life. Always I’m searching for a catalyst to propel things forward in time.

And I find that my life moves faster than most already. In one day I experience so many things I can hardly keep track. And still, I want more. Always more. And more. My hunger for life knows few bounds.

I don’t really know how to explain why I want more or why nothing is ever enough or what’s made my expectations so high. It’s not a sense of entitlement or anything like that. But I just feel that life is so rich and vibrant and colorful and I want to experience everything and all at once. I know that’s an impossibility.

Anyway, I get annoyed when my expectations are not being met, when I’m not receiving as much as I am giving. Because I feel that I give everything, always, in all situations. And I’m not drained or anything… it just feels like people don’t try or work as hard as I feel they should. Maybe that’s cruel of me to say. Or maybe I feel give/take should be mutual. But so few people are willing to inconvenience their life in any way the way I “inconvenience” my life to make things happen. A small amount of discomfort is always worth it to make something happen. It’s always about the bigger picture for me.

A little pain here, a little pain there – that’s nothing compared to the eventual returns for my efforts. Why can’t people see that?

Drive is not something I lack. And because of that I will succeed. There just isn’t a question about my success. Failure isn’t an option. I just want ultimate success in everything sooner based simply on the fact that I know it to be an eventual fact. So why can’t it be a present fact rather than a future fact? Is there a difference? Is it still a fact if it’s not presently a fact?

My logic is weaning. I’ll end here. EXASPERATION ABOUNDS.

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