1.5

I don’t know how I fit everything that I did into one weekend this past weekend. I’m pretty sure I’m in the midst of some kind of manic depressive episode right now. The irony is that my doctor just removed my active status as depressed because I told her I’m OK. I’ve had it as an active status since 2007. But now I’m labeled as depressive, “in complete remission” like I just got cured of cancer or something.

Anyway, yeah… I had a physical on Thursday and then got some blood work done on Saturday. In January 2012 my testosterone levels were 53 (the normal range for a woman being 8-48 ng/dL) and on Saturday I’m now at 69. My voice is purdy girly so I’m not really worried there. However, I do have higher than usual aggression and rarelyyyy get my period. Like once every year or once every other year. ┬áSo OK great! Now my chances of developing ovarian cancer are doubled! Uh… yeah. But anyway, now my aggression is explained. Life makes so much more sense now.

I am grateful every day for my strength of will. My extreme sense of self-control keeps my life in balance.

Also I find myself so completely fascinated by BBkakez. New nickname because old nickname is far too telling. I’ve never met someone that feels so completely an equal to me. Our wit and intelligence is super compatible. Creatively we prioritize similar things. The only difference is that BBkakez is very… self-involved… conceited maybe. There is very little consideration for anyone but himself. Whereas I give consideration to everyone and everything else first and then react (sometimes selfishly, sometimes selflessly but always aware of my actions’ effect as a whole). This one difference I think will keep us forever apart. But that aside, I have to reiterate that I’ve never met anyone so similar. I’m drawn to him, but he’s not drawn to me. Story of my life.

Intellect really pulls me in and keeps me in(terested). Actually I’m not sure if I can call it intellect. What it is is perhaps a keen awareness of self. I’ve only ever met two people with it. The first I was in love with for 6 years and now the second is just completely unapproachable because of his egotistical personality.

Quite frankly, I’m frustrated. I’ve hit a dead end, a brick wall, etc.

Also, my ever-so-kind and warm heart has frozen just a little bit to J. I’m pretty sick of having to deal with his pathetic inability to make up his mind. All he has done thus far is disappoint me. I’m experiencing turmoil because of it. And I’m just not down to feel insecure, to feel unwanted (because these are pre-existing underlying ever-present truths that I don’t need surfacing). I already know that I am not going to be loved, I already know that I am unwanted. So it’s easy to ignore and brush aside these truths because they are merely facts about myself. And facts about myself are not changeable so I must accept them. Yet accepting facts about myself and being confronted by these facts are two separate things altogether.

It’s just such a setback to have my high standards crushed time and time again. People are such letdowns. Consistently. At least I know what to expect.

I often get that feeling of “I have to do everything myself” because people are just so RARELY up to par. But I hate doing anything by myself. I get anxiety at the thought of it. But then once I’m there in the moment doing whatever it is I need to do, I’m fine. It’s just the build up of anxiety that causes me serious distress. In the end, better alone anyway.

I’d also like to note that I got very drunk yesterday. That was mildly entertaining until I passed out. And then it just felt like such a sad waste to have napped it all away when really I wanted to feel the full force of my drunken stupidity. There’s always another day to get completely drunk.

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