De-stabilized

I can’t get my mood under control. I’m struggling really really really hard between logic and emotion. Logically I know I need to exercise, eat healthy, smile, do things that make me happy, sleep at my regular intervals. But emotionally, I’m… so… exhausted. So exhausted that I’ve slept for the past three days straight. Haven’t been eating well, haven’t worked out at all, and lost the motivation to get up out of bed long enough to do something worthwhile.

While I know my friends and family love me, right now everyone feels like an enemy. And I’m holding on to so much resentment towards them and anger. Just so much anger. I’m also restless. I’m not receiving my quota of social time. I need to be extremely social to feel at rest, at ease, at peace. Without social interaction I start to panic, have anxiety. Because social time with others makes things happen. Otherwise my life is still, dead, etc.

I’m catastrophizing. I’m having difficulty clearing my mind. It’s hard to stay put in my seat. I sort of want to tug at my flesh. That’s how restless I feel. And at the same time I feel like I’m in the midst of a coma.

So I have a lot of energy, but my mind is fogged up. Yet I’m sitting here perfectly still at my desk at work while my mind is racing. The two thoughts together don’t make sense. They’re contradictory. But it makes sense to me.

I had alcohol on Sunday. Haven’t exercised for about 5 days. Drank two cups of tea today. Slept too much or too little these past few days. I’m doing everything wrong. I need something to stabilize me. Usually social time can calm me down. But I haven’t hung out with friends for a while… like over a week… two weeks. Except for J on Friday. But that hardly counts. That was counterproductive. I’m really agitated, irritated, and feeling so strange. 🙁

Okay, I just looked outside the window at work. Looked off into the distance. I have to remember there is a world outside of this office, outside of my mind. I haven’t done too many social things… and it’s easy to sink into my mind and go crazy over going crazy. 🙁

Okay so I can establish that I have 1. killed my daily routine 2. been under a lot of personal stress and 3. am craving arguments. In the time span of a few days I managed to successfully ruin everything that keeps my day in check, my life in balance.

I’m seriously on edge. I know the wise thing to do would be to go to a nearby cafe after work to read. So I can be around people. So I can come back to my senses that people exist outside of my mind. But I want to be in downtown LA at my favorite coffee shop (even though there’s one just like it super nearby…). I want to throw my hands up in the air. I don’t know how to get the fuck out of this mood. 🙁

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