DayAugust 21, 2013

Mental Acquity

For starters, yesterday was amazing. I was definitely in a mood. Like just in a bad fucking mood. A strange mixture of desperation, depression, and anxiety. My friend Sebastian was thankfully available to hang out and listen to me. I vented. I shared. We went to dinner in downtown Long Beach (my happiest of all places). Then we picked up Javi and we all watched The Avengers together with a few glasses of wine. 🙂 This morning I was feeling… recuperated from my bad mood.

And then on my drive to work… I was in the 2nd lane flanked by a big truck to my left. A car from the 3rd lane was getting awfully close and without turning signals, without so much as looking, decided to switch into my lane. And hit my car. But I had noticed the car getting closer… so just before the car hit me/switched lanes I sped up and got as close to the left lane as possible without hitting the big truck. But the dumbass car in the 3rd lane still hit my car on the passenger side and my car swerved but I braked. I immediately put my emergency signal and moved to the far right to either pull over or exit the freeway. I exited the freeway. The other car did not.

And now I’m once again battling between logic and emotion. Logically this will get taken care of, this will get fixed, this is just another one of life’s many hardships. Emotionally, I just want to cry, and give up in one gigantic exasperated sigh. Cry and go under my covers. But I know LOGICALLY crying will change nothing. Giving up will not fix anything. And yet most people need some kind of emotional release even if it serves no logical function. But I’m utilitarian. If crying/feeling shitty serves no utility to me, why bother?

I’m just so fucking ANNOYED and ANGRY. These emotions are far more acceptable to me because they’re not associated with weakness the way sadness/crying/whining/bitching are. I just cannot believe the other car didn’t pull over yannoe? UGH. Why can’t people just take responsibility for their fucking stupidity?

And speaking of low mental acquity… geezus christ. Why must there always be someone at work that just doesn’t fucking…. get it?! It tests my patience day in and day out. It’s like a test of life. I am confronted by the one thing that irritates the fucking life out of me… constantly. Why must this be ever-present in my life? Why can’t people just… operate on a higher level, mentally? I know, I know. I’m a bitch for having such high expectations. But I mean christ, I expect my peers to be intelligent. I just can’t stand it when people aren’t all there. It makes me want to punch a wall.

And I know I can’t change anything but myself. So why get so worked up over it right? I suppose it’s because it negatively effects the quality of my work when other people fuck up. And the quality of MY work is held to the highest of all standards. MY work must be the very best it possibly can be insofar as it is in my capability to improve or produce.

I feel like punching a fucking wall right now. My mother told eeeeveryone in the family about my car accident this morning. I’m very reserved. And I’m reserved because it’s the only way to keep my composure. But when everyone is asking me personal/emotional questions I cannot feign composure. I literally just had to step away right now because I was this close to losing my temper. And I was this close to punching a wall in the bathroom just now.

Breathe, Bri. Breathe. This week will pass. This month will pass. These moments will pass.