Making Mistakes

I’m finding a lot of solace in Brandon Li Oda’s tumblr. He writes something akin to “personal poetic prose.”

Dear god. I just experienced this very strange mind/time sensation that happens when I’m depressed. I just realized it’s Thursday and I feel like Sunday is so very far away. And my mind isn’t as focused or as sharp as usual. And my mood is pretty shitty. I was doing so well. I was very agreeable, very bubbly, very … not this. I feel like I just regressed back to August of last year when my depression was at its worst. Holy fuck.

I don’t know what I can do to get out of this. It’s like I’m sinking deeper into some dark abyss and regardless of how strong I am nothing can get me out. Not even the sheer strength of my will. For DAYS I’ve been saying, “get out of bed, Bri. Get out of bed. Do something productive. Do something to distract yourself.” And I can’t. I can’t. I can’t move. I’m half here at work.

This feeling is so familiar and it’s wretched. What really makes me want to cry right now is that I was doing SO WELL. For a year. I managed to be happy (more or less – some sadness existed, but definitely no depression pervaded) for a whole year.

I just can’t believe how in the time span of two weeks I managed to successfully fuck everything up. Everything that I have worked so very hard to build, shattered.

And what also hurts is that I know I need help getting out of this, but as always the one person I wish could help, won’t. Isn’t that always the case? Isn’t that part of the hopelessness? Only when I recreate my self-sufficiency will I be happy again.

Oh I can’t even really breathe. I want to go crawl back into bed until this awful feeling subsides.

What I really need to do is what I do best – create an action-based plan on how I’m going to fix everything, one at a time. But the motivation is just severely lacking. And previously, motivation was not something I lacked.

This isn’t me.

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