DaySeptember 1, 2013

Living beautifully.

How I live my life.

I think…

Well, my life is really very picturesque. There are so many “MOMENTS” that make up my life. Rarely am I living dully, out of habit, or boringly routine.

I appreciate all of the moments that comprise my life. Because I make it a point to live picturesquely so that any single moment of my life can be encapsulated in a short feeling or a few beautifully strung together words. It’s that whole “je ne sais quoi” feeling where you can’t really describe what makes the moments as beautiful as they really are.

Though for example a couple of weeks ago I spent my Sunday morning baking cupcakes in very French inspired liners on my white dining table with the rays of the sun streaming in through my windows and beating against my back. Luckily there was a slight breeze. This was just a week or so before this awful heat. And then they were baked. And they got decorated so nicely. And I folded some matching carrying boxes that fits just 4 cupcakes. Then I headed to lunch with the family. And when I came back I resumed my lazy Sunday.

And then the next day I took my cupcakes in their pretty liners and matching boxes and made deliveries.

I recorded a video of someone eating my cupcake. A reaction shot, if you will. And then I received a gorgeous smiling photo of pure pleasure of my baby cousin sticking his face into one of my cupcakes with chocolate smeared all over his face. And seeing people enjoying a small moment of life really made me feel happy.

This is what I consider living… picturesquely, where any moment lived can be captured as a feeling of beauty.

But then of course I offered cupcakes to J – more than happy to make the 20+ mile drive just to drop off cupcakes. And he said, “that’s a lovely gesture, but I don’t want any cupcakes.” To me this was pure denial of living and enjoying a life moment. He had not denied me, but denied a MOMENT. The moments that I so cherish. And that comprise my entire living, my entire being. He could have tossed them in the damn trash can for all I care. Or just left them in the box, unopened, while I made the heartfelt personal delivery. It was not so much about eating the actual cupcakes as the act of friendship that it symbolized.

I couldn’t give a damn about the actual cupcakes at the point of delivery. It would be about spending a few minutes together, smiling, laughing, and talking about how I made the cupcakes and how I think the frosting could have had a better texture because I used the wrong kind of sugar, or how I failed to have all-purpose flour and instead had to use cake flour.

It’s like scenes in movies where two people go to a coffee shop or a diner and order something very delicious but perhaps don’t partake in actually eating it. It’s the MOMENT I am concerned about, not the actual pastry.

And now, after a few weeks, I’m not upset. But a little confused.

Why would I still want to know someone that lives so differently from me? I am a dreamer, always and forever. Though I mean my head is screwed on pretty tightly to my body. I always acknowledge the practical alternative to my actions. I know practicality exists. But why sacrifice a beautiful dreamy moment in search of practicality?

Deepest of sighs.

Is it a lot to ask for someone equal to me? Similar to me? With a drive as high as mine? With aspirations as big as mine? With the capability to make change happen as easily as me?

I feel a little helpless here. Who you meet is left to chance. And chance is so… unpredictable. I feel such a loss of control over such a strange part of my life. A part of my life I wish were less important, more inconsequential.


I’ve been as isolated as humanly possible this past week despite spending almost every day with family and of course having to go to work every day (including Saturday as per usual). But I’ve managed to have just not enough time for anyone else this week.

Case in point: I received a desperate text message from a dear friend at 2am that she was very very depressed. I think I did wake up and read the message but I couldn’t find the words to respond. I woke up officially at 5am, worked out, then got ready for work. This was yesterday in fact so I didn’t need to be at work until 7am. And I was running just a few minutes late so that I didn’t really have time to respond to her message but I figured she would be asleep already. Then I went to work. And while at work I did finally message her at what I thought was a decently not super early hour. But mind you I only work for three hours on Saturdays so it was still early.

We vaguely made plans to see each other. She needed support after all. But after work I promptly had to rush to the sales office where I will be purchasing a condo. Or more correctly, co-purchasing a condo with my aunt (she’s paying, I’ll be living there basically). And most of my family came along, too, as it was a sort of mini-monumental moment but very very very preliminary. The condo hasn’t even been built yet and mine will be one of the last to be built simply because it’s located at the very front of the community where the sales office is, and in a prime location!

So after this we all had plans to go to brunch at The Pacific Dining Car which is all the way in downtown LA. But by then it was past noon. We still ate breakfast anyway. TPDC is open 24 hours a day so breakfast is always available. We had a very good time and I tried something new.

And because I make it some sort of point to always manage to find myself at The Grove at least once every other week if not every week… I passed my phone to my mom with The Grove pinned on the Maps app just to show the proximity.

The rest of the family took off to go back home but I drove Mom’s car (she’d had a mimosa at brunch) and took us to The Grove.

There we stopped by a few stores. Our first stop was The Nike store in which I tried on the new Free Flyknit sneaker that fits like a glove. And despite the fact that it was 90+ degrees I took the shoes for a spin on the treadmill in the store. Then I really started to sweat. But lately I’ll try to burn a few extra calories if possible, anywhere.

Then we hit up a few more stores.

And because my mom has a VIP movie pass we get to watch movies for free at the theater. She was just in the right mood to watch a movie. Two hours sitting in a theater requires a lot of commitment for her. I agree. I’m very keen on watching a movie halfway and then starting dinner or working out or distracting myself with the internet or taking my daily siesta. But the movie didn’t start for two hours.

The Grove movie theater is adjacent to The Fat Cow bar where we met a most beautiful bartender named August. Mom and I had several drinks and made the most of our two hours! We really had a ball.

The Butler was aaaaamazing. I think the story was just so good. I was very involved in the characters and very glad for the outcome of everything. Despite some hardships I think the story had a very positive message.

Then after the movie Mom was hungry. So we had dinner. Still at The Grove. At the Marmalade Cafe, closer to The Farmer’s Market. The sky was this lovely pink color that was impossible to capture with our iPhones. But it was memorable and picturesque.

By this time I really started to get a little buzzed. Well I was a little buzzed as I was watching the movie but at dinner I really started to FEEL. And I started to miss. And I started to feel really quite bad for not being home the whole day to see Ketta. And I’ve kept thinking of trying to find the time to talk to Elizabeth since she just started school.

And suddenly I felt a little weird. But even though I know I had this “responsibility” to keep up with all my friends at the same time I just needed to be alone.

Unfortunately I messaged J while I was at dinner. Something very neutral and positive and friendly. But I received no message back. That’s not really a surprise. But now it’s resurfaced some pertinent memories of how I always go after people that don’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Or just don’t want to live life the way I live.

And finally close to 10pm I got home. And I immediately went to the front house and ran to Ketta. And listened to her. And we picked up some ice cream for her. She said that would make her feel better. And we just lied in bed for a good hour just in each other’s company. And at the same time I was messaging Elizabeth even though I had told her I would find the time to call her instead.

And there’s this imbalance where I’m not able to to reply to text messages in a timely manner. A day or two passes before I realize – “wait! Raquel messaged me she’s in Texas. Perhaps I should inquire how it’s going!!” I’m not particularly *busy* … I could easily sneak in a text or two in my spare minutes. But my mind is wandering and I’m very isolationist lately.

I’m finding it preferable to stick to myself for right now. Because I feel a little lost. And I feel some things missing that were previously there. I need to reacquire my balance. My zest for life is not necessarily diminished but it is a different shade than it was before.

Emotional reactions are a minute in coming, always. I feel quite poorly about how the whole J situation turned out. Now I am left without and it’s so hard for me to cope with loss.