S.

I have yet to address the resolution to what happened with S. Oh god, I feel so fucked up for wanting to laugh. But really for a period of a few months I found myself fascinated by what could possibly come next.

It began simply. He shared a personal fantasy of his with me. The conversation turned that way for the first time in our 5 or so year long friendship.

And from there it got progressively worse (though I hate to use that word specifically because it wasn’t always bad necessarily). But it did get manipulative. Let me not be vague: he made it a point to manipulate me emotionally, physically – sexually.

A month ago (who knows, time is not really a factor here)… I finally just shrugged and slept with him.

And after, I felt NOTHING. Just nothing. I didn’t think to message him, call him, talk to him. Despite our very long friendship. Despite his emotional albeit temporary grasp on my fickle heart. I felt just… NOTHING. How typical of me.

And a week or so ago he messaged me. Said he misses me. Was expecting me to reach out to him. He just started grad school. What did he expect?

I told him exactly what I felt: nothing. Sleeping with him meant absolutely jack shit to me. After he insulted me, degraded me (purposely), and manipulated me, PUNISHED me…. did he really expect me to just commit to something emotional after something physical? The two do not correlate in my brain. For a reason.

How can his expectations have gone down that road?

“Everything we had was a lie. Got it.” – S.

“You have never been emotional towards me. I don’t know why you’re upset at all. I stopped feeling anything emotional towards you a long time ago. Remember when you treated me like shit? That was when.”

“I can never show emotion to you because you’re always like this.” – S.

I’m not entirely sure what he meant.

November to August.

Though certainly very few people understand the way my mind works the way S. understood it, which scares me. It also scares me that I allowed someone to get so deep into my mind as to control and manipulate my every need, desire, emotion, and thought. But it’s over now.

(Though after putting it in words, I am starting to feel a bit badly. But I shouldn’t! We treated each other this way knowingly.)

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