DaySeptember 17, 2013

Taking A Few Steps Back Before Moving Forward Again

I just read the 9th page into my blog, purely by chance, an entry entitled “Mistaking Motion for Action.” Sometimes I say some enlightening things… “How do you climb a mountain after you’ve fallen off a hill?”

I have since climbed that mountain, and made my way back up onto the hill perched alongside it. Except the hill was never a hill but another mountain, cleverly disguised only because it was alongside a taller, more difficult mountain to climb. I am NOT on a hill, I am on a mountain. And I should be very proud.

OK this extended metaphor is getting pretty sloppy.

BASICALLY… early last year I felt like I was not accomplished enough hence calling my life a HILL… it was subpar in my eyes. And then when I got FIRED I fell off the hill… and then my situation went from good (on top of hill) to REALLY BAD (having to climb a mountain).

Every. single. thing. that life threw at me last year I conquered. (What, ‘cus life is a battle? Sometimes I should just roll my eyes at the shit I say.)

Now I have my job back. I’m THIS CLOSE to moving to a condo (as a comparison to living in my BEAUTIFUL, gorgeous, near perfect, right by the ocean apartment). My financials are already getting back into shape, too. My fitness levels are pretty good. Things are… relatively stable.

However, the funny thing about taking a few steps back and then taking a few steps forward is that you’re right back at where you started. Now I just have to propel myself even further. And I haven’t been doing that these past few months. (Hah, ridiculous how I always feel at a standstill when things are this good, professionally, in my life. Destined for more?)

I’ve been making a lot of mistakes in my personal life. My professional life is going very well again. The facade of my life is going well again, too. But personally… I have made SO MANY MISTAKES this year. I think only my ability to put a stopper on my emotions is what is enabling me to stay composed.

I should be slitting my wrists and crying a river by now.

That’s a bit melodramatic… but explains the extent of my mistakes. I’ve lost a lot of focus. And time is moving so much quicker these days… probably because I work on a set schedule now v. variable work schedule (when I was a manager at Ulta).

The year isn’t over and I know I can still turn things around. Every experience is a growing experience. So I can take those mistakes I made, and NEVER. EVER. repeat them again. How stupid can one person be, after all? (Also, I hold myself to such high expectations that… it’s just not even acceptable to do what I have done this year.)

I just keep wanting to write David a letter, even though he is so stressed out in Berkeley with grad school. I feel like he would understand why it is I find myself WISHING I could cry. My weakness lies in my strength. I keep myself far too composed to really give myself a chance to break down. And if you don’t take a few steps back to analyze a situation you just can’t even take a few steps forward. Standstill.

The discord is killing me.