Noumenon

I’m feeling particularly philosophical this week. Also I’m going to blatantly use a quote I read on a friend’s blog:

Grasping at things can only yield one of two results: Either the thing you are grasping at disappears, or you yourself disappear. It is only a matter of which occurs first.
— Goenka

As previously quoted and previously mentioned, I need to remember to feel lightly (though perhaps my usual aim is to feel ‘not at all’ which can be extreme). I feel some affinity for the Buddhist ideas on attachment though I cannot comply so readily without exerting some (gigantic) amount of effort. Relinquishing my tight grasp on things is easier said than done.

I’m being confronted by so many options these days that I feel overwhelmed. But it’s time to start crunching numbers so I can get my shit together.

Mostly I’m finding it hard to consider letting go of some things because I don’t know what the new things that will replace it entail. Major attachment issues. And indecision. Combined yield nil.

I’m just a little bit stressed out by everyone wanting something different from me. Everyone thinks I should do something different. And I don’t know what’s in my best interest.

After my car was hit (by this point it doesn’t even seem a big deal to me) everyone in my family felt entitled in sharing their opinion. My aunt is offering to buy me a new car (within a price limit)/a brand new entry-level BMW or Mercedes. In MY mind, why would I want to trade my ‘fast as fuck’ 5-series BMW (even though YES it is a 2004 and will likely require more and more maintenance) for an entry-level luxury car? I guess in my mind what I have is just GOOD ENOUGH that I’m content.

But the “good enough” is not…. good enough for me, according to my aunt. She’s also the same aunt that’s helping me acquire said condo. It’s like I get it, she wants good things for me. But I feel like I’m being rushed a little. Holy eff.

And my uncle wants to BUY my car from me (I bought it from him when I acquired it in Dec 2010).

A similar thing happened earlier this year when Sandy and Elizabeth met BB. He’s a doctor, has fantastic taste in music, loves to do all kinds of music-related shit (which is on par with my interests), is gorgeous, etc. (Let me not wax poetic about him because he does have many shortcomings.) But the point being is that my two best friends felt he… wasn’t good enough for me. And *I* felt he was GOOD ENOUGH. I mean a doctor at 26?! Gorgeous, hello! And yet still NOT good enough? Who exactly do my friends think I can attract?! (‘Cus in my opinion I’m more hands-off/let good things fall into my lap over time/my hard work will speak for itself/etc.)

These higher than my expectations FOR ME stress me out a little bit. My own expectations ARE so high and yet others’ expectations FOR me are even HIGHER. Wutdafux. How do I actualize those expectations FOR me when those are the things that are just OUT OF REACH and out of my control to accomplish?

I don’t think I’m capable of handling expectations people lay out for me because my own are usually burdensome enough. Rawwrrrr.

Also: I’m severely confused by a few things. But I’d prefer to keep them slightly on the DL without forgetting about them entirely: time, prioritization, interest, curiosity, depersonalization. Ugh… how terribly obscure and yet I’m compelled to secrecy. How frustrating.

And as much as I think I have letting go issues, I wish you could let me go, too.

The obscurity will only increase I think. How un-fun.

What IS fun is this ridiculously funny article about Whole Foods.

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