DaySeptember 21, 2013


Cleaning out some of the 2,000+ photos on my iPhone.

iPhone Pictures 206

iPhone Pictures 237


Human beings are absolutely fucking ridiculous. Myself included of course. It’s so hard to think that just a few months ago I literally felt SICK from too much emotion. I can vaguely remember the feeling except I don’t want to.

Anyway, I no longer want to try. I no longer want to think. I no longer.

Because remember: grasping at things leads to a loss of self. Total paraphrase of Goenka, of course.

How annoying that Steven only ever missed me when he didn’t have access to me. Slowly but surely closing myself off from people. Not in any capacity to get anyone to miss me. But to see clearly who I should have in my life.

iPhone Pictures 434


On my clouded/convoluted friendship with this guy for maybe 9 years. And in those 9 years he’s been with his girlfriend for 6 years. And he’s liked me all 9 years. Sometimes I get SO UPSET that I stop talking to him for stretches at a time because I KNOW I shouldn’t.

Sometimes I start to feel SICK with myself. And I just want to lock myself in my room and never come back out. The world is much too painful sometimes. And I feel like the less I’m in it, the better. For me. For them.

A Call to (in)Action


My life has been consumed by wooooork.

And I love it!!

I decided to set my alarm a couple minutes earlier than my usual Saturday roll out of bed, get-straight-into-my-car-to-drive-to-work-so-I-can-be-there-for-only-three-hours time. And two minutes after my earlier than usual alarm went off, I got a work related call, at 6:17am. I call that staying on top of my A-game. Or… not letting myself be woken up. Waking up on my own time.

I get work calls in the day, in the night, in the morning. Yadda yadda. (Actually took three work calls just in writing this entry.) I love having some “sense of purpose” or this idea that I have something to do at all times.

Also, I volunteered to learn how to do the long-haul trucking (which is probably one of the harder ‘technical’ things that we do every day). But I think I understand the logistics well enough to learn how it’s done. Anything that pushes my limits feels *so good* – I like feeling a bit of pressure and seeing just how well I can problem solve things.

Anyway, I just want to make note of this really good, happy feeling before I start crying in some months time about how doing the trucking is the hardestshitofalltime. Lmao. <3 Though TRUE STORY.

Had a fucking fabulous Thursday night and Friday night with a few different friends. I had plans for today but it’s so gloomy out that I sort of want to just stay in doing something much more mellow than what I originally had planned. And then I have a little something planned tomorrow as well.

I love work/life balance and being BUSYBUSY. My homegrrrrl Soo was telling me we’re wonder women. I agree.

You know, it’s like I could be in the throes of some kind of crazy life happenings and yet I’ll still make it sound like your call or your message means the world and everything will get done in a timely manner. A lot of my job depends on this exact skill. You might have three or four calls or THINGS happening all at the same fucking time but each call pertains to something different. And you have to be able to manage them all. NOBIGDEAL. It’s that feeling of “I got this.”

I think that’s what I love about my job. The FINETUNE details and the multi-tasking are extremely important. And I’m listening. Every little intonation or implied piece of information is valuable. And I take every bit of that valuable information and use it to make decisions.

It feels great having some (maybe even faux) sense of purpose and accomplishment.

This gloomy weather makes me want to go to a coffee shop to browse the internet instead of staying home to browse the internetz. Or go read at a park. Or. or. or. Today feels so full of possibility except I already said no to what I had planned for the day. Setting time aside to do nothing is equally important to doing a whole lot of somethings.

My good friend Ketta started a blog recently. It seems that blogs are suddenly the ‘it’ thing again. I almost don’t understand it… I find very little interesting about blogs these days. When I was in high-school and was more into web-design and graphic design I belonged to this beautiful community of bloggers that all followed each other, were all part of the same forums, etc. and it felt … nice. But now, I just don’t really seem to have any interest in trying to find another community of personal web-loggers. And I can’t fathom why anyone would be interested in my blog either.

I ramble like crazy. I’m contradictory. I’m annoying. First world problems type of deal. Actually I’m grateful for my blog but don’t seem to understand its appeal. Though I am glad to have inspired Ketta to start her own so she can do her own ramblings. Word vomit. And my friend Jared’s blog inspires me to be slightly more anecdotal. But being anecdotal isn’t what my blog is about really. I’m more… “of the moment” without hitting stream of consciousness territory (which I hate).

Anyway this entry has gotten way too meta for my liking. If I hadn’t spent a good chunk of time writing it (and getting distracted) I’d just discard it.

Remaining meta for just a second I think the title to this entry is just so… on point. I like how lots of little things in my life connect somehow.

There’s a lot of underlying subtext to what I write that remains implied, but never said. The obscurity remains. And yet the title corresponds to three different things in my life. My entries are starting to feel allegorical. Unintentionally. Must be my subconscious trying to adapt and make connections.


This is how I construe all the things that I “need” to spew on my blog.