Cleaning out some of the 2,000+ photos on my iPhone.
Human beings are absolutely fucking ridiculous. Myself included of course. It’s so hard to think that just a few months ago I literally felt SICK from too much emotion. I can vaguely remember the feeling except I don’t want to.
Anyway, I no longer want to try. I no longer want to think. I no longer.
Because remember: grasping at things leads to a loss of self. Total paraphrase of Goenka, of course.
How annoying that Steven only ever missed me when he didn’t have access to me. Slowly but surely closing myself off from people. Not in any capacity to get anyone to miss me. But to see clearly who I should have in my life.
On my clouded/convoluted friendship with this guy for maybe 9 years. And in those 9 years he’s been with his girlfriend for 6 years. And he’s liked me all 9 years. Sometimes I get SO UPSET that I stop talking to him for stretches at a time because I KNOW I shouldn’t.
Sometimes I start to feel SICK with myself. And I just want to lock myself in my room and never come back out. The world is much too painful sometimes. And I feel like the less I’m in it, the better. For me. For them.