DaySeptember 30, 2013

The Most Painful Thing in the World

Remembering all these things about S. Apart from the fact that he knows the one thing that can destroy me in an instant, emotionally, this is just a small reminder as to why nothing could ever work between us emotionally:

Me: And do you know what? I don’t give a fuck why you like control. That’s not something I care to analyze. I just know I really enjoy it.
Him: Don’t swear at me.
Me: I do all the time.
Me: Natural.
Him: Stop it.
Me: Want me to sugarcoat it or does it just come off as too mean?
Him: It comes off as too mean.
Me: I don’t mean it badly.
Me: I never do.
Him: Don’t care
Him: it’s a perception thing
Him: stop it.
Me: okay
Him: Okay…?
Me: I’m agreeing.
Me: To stop.
Me: You can analyze your control thing, or others that don’t approve of your controlling behavior can analyze it. But this is something I enjoy. So whatever reason you have behind it is your own. And why I enjoy it is mine.
Him: You enjoy it but you can’t commit to it.
Him: I know, I know, that’s not just your fault.
Me: Because I just have one requisite: you have to care about me. And you don’t always.
Him: But I do
Him: and your perception to the otherwise does not give you a right to break that and certainly not in the manner in which you have previously
Me: I’m really very sorry I betrayed you. It’s not even something you should forgive. But I don’t want you to keep hurting me. You reject me fairly often.
Him: True enough
Him: so we should just… part amicably as friends, since we’re mature adults.
Me: You’re not listening to me.
Him: I’m listening.
Me: I don’t want to “part amicably.”
Me: I’ve already said, I want more kindness, I want you to care.
Him: That’s an easy thing for me to promise now, but you need to keep your expectations light especially at first
Me: How can I when you expect so much from me?
Me: “Bri, commit. Be my slave. Be mine only.
Me: I say yes.
Him: You’re right, that’s not fair.
Me: And then you treat me so poorly. You get upset when I commit fully.
Him: It’s not that I get upset
Me: What am I supposed to do? Tell me.
Him: I don’t know any more
Me: And I can try. I shouldn’t even want to try. But I do.
Him: I’m a haze of lust and inconsideration.
Me: Because I enjoy you immensely.
Him: I’ve been hard as a rock for like thirty minutes btw.
Me: Why?
Him: Talking to you
Me: You give me butterflies.

S. always listened to me. The fact that he knows me extremely well … scares me half to death. I’ve never known anyone to know how my mind works as well as he does. He damaged me emotionally so many times…

I don’t think I’ll ever forget when he said the one thing that hurts me most of all. I don’t even want to repeat it. It makes me shake all over. It’s like the key to breaking me. The part of me that keeps me composed and sane just breaks down at the thought. I’m shaking now actually. Thinking about S. makes me want to hold myself and cry. I’ve never relinquished so much control over my entire being… And I’ve never been so submissive to anyone. Anything he said, I would do. I’m not sure I will ever repeat the thing that can hurt me most of all.

Him: I’m talking about my mental perception of your brain
Him: it reminds me of mayonnaise.
Me: …
Me: ok
Him: totally opaque.
Me: wut?
Him: Opaque. Your brain. Mayonnaise.
Him: you don’t let people see you
Him: Why is anybody going to like you if you don’t like yourself? We’re all, eventually, somewhere down the line, second choices.
Me: I like myself plenty. But that’s very little basis for anyone else to like me.
Him: Even if it’s to a figment.
Me: I don’t really want to talk about my mind.
Him: You said we could talk about what I wanted to talk about
Me: Okay you’re right I did
Him: Does it bother you?
Me: Does what bother me?
Him: Nevermind, I know it does.
Me: Wut?
Him: I’ll drop it if you can tell me why it bothers you.
Him: talking about your mind.
Me: It doesn’t bother me.
Him: then why don’t you want to talk about it?
Me: Because it doesn’t change anything.
Him: Yes, because I can’t make you change
Him: That comes from within
Him: You don’t have to change, but you’re unhappy a lot, and it’s because you repeat avoidable negative behavior
Him: Sorry, now I’m playing therapist

Speaking of avoidable negative behavior I feel like I’m really starting to miss S. And I feel like at the drop of a hat I’ll want to go back to him. The way I always go back to all abusive relationships. …This is venturing far too close in territory to divulging the one thing that can hurt me most of all.


photo 3photo 4


I’ve known this to be the title for my blog entry for at least a day or two. The latest ‘idea’ to take shape in my world is IMPORT.


  • to bring in (merchandise, commodities, workers, etc.) from a foreign country for use, sale, processing, re-export, or services.
  • to bring or introduce from one use, connection, or relation into another: foreign bodies imported into the blood.
  • to convey as meaning or implication; signify: Her words imported a change of attitude.
  • consequence or importance: matters of great import.

It has come to my attention recently that I am perhaps of some import to someone that has little to no import to me. But this is a normal daily occurrence in the lives of everyone. Someone can feel like your best friend and yet to them, you are merely just… any other friend. I suppose there is no sense of mutual entitlement. And it would seem to me that this is as common as … well just common. But I actively work *against* this because I always put more, more, more into any given relationship. I never want anyone to feel unimportant. Everyone and everything is important to me. Or I will at least make you feel that way. I never want anyone to feel ignored, hurt, which, like I mentioned previously is a major skill required of my position. You might have four different people telling you things but not one of the four knows of the other’s existence. As in Person A does not know that I also have something pending with Persons B, C, and D. And it is my job to make sure that all four Persons feel like the sole Person A. (Lmao, if I weren’t talking about making it seem like you have my undivided attention this would come across as something akin to polygamy.)

So anyway, it is alarming to me that someone has assigned some level of Import (consequence) to me where I place absolutely nil on them.

To go laymen’s terms… I recently deactivated my Facebook. It was redundant — a mere aggregation of my online presence almost everywhere else. Or otherwise I was just bombarded by too much information that I really prefer not to know. Some things are better a mystery or saved for a proper conversational piece. I get so easily distracted.

Uhm. So anyway, yes. I “deleted” my Facebook in as best a form as is available: deactivation. And one particular person decided to reach out to a friend of MINE (not a friend of theirs, but a friend of mine) to inquire as to whether I had merely deactivated my account or actually removed them. That such a distinction even matters to them is quite telling. My friend sent me the entire conversation and how it played out. Having no other means of reaching me, this person also asked my friend how I’m doing. As though my state of being … matters.

And truthfully none of this would come as much of a shock because yes I’m important to some people (my mom, my brother, etc. etc.) and a great deal of people are important to me (family, friends, coworkers, etc. etc.) but the fact that it’s someone I stopped socializing with is… troubling. I make it a priority to prioritize everyone and everything. Because people are important to me. People are important in general. I never discount anyone. Everyone has something ‘wonderful’ to offer because no two are ever alike. I try very hard to take everyone seriously even if they’re hard to get along with, “weird,” or just strange. No matter how strange, it’s cruel to disregard someone’s importance.

I don’t know… just the fact that this person needed the reassurance that I did not delete them but instead just deactivated my Facebook is… startling. Why does it matter? Why must human fragility exist to the point where there is something different from one to the other? The end fact remains: this person no longer has access to me.

As my friend said though, “I guess it matters because it means you don’t dislike him.” (How badly I wanted to keep the gender of the person completely out of the equation. I don’t think it should matter, but it does bring another level of meaning to the entire situation that I much rather leave out.)

And the truth? I did remove this person as a friend prior to deactivating my account. I do that sometimes… Try to remove the existence of someone from my life. Because their existence in my life affects me (probably negatively) in some way. And my form of coping is to … exit as quietly as possible, in the hopes that I will then be quickly forgotten (this usually works except in the cases where I don’t want to forget them). Out of sight, out of mind. But then I was just fed up with Facebook in general and so out it went from my life along with everyone connected to it.

This access issue is becoming a bit of a problem lately. I’m not so certain I enjoy giving people free reign to construe my thoughts in whichever way they please. The only thing keeping me connected to my Twitter account is the mere fact that I started it in 2007 and it has gained me many friends over time. People I would have never met at UCSB became my friends after following them through Twitter. And then we’ve hung out and there’s a level of care and interest there that exists outside the scope of just the internet. It exists in real space and time.

But also now a lot of other people have access to me that I rather not. I’ve come to accept that a few people will know about my life but there are a few others I just wish… wouldn’t know anything at all.

Anyway. I’ve exhausted this topic.

Pending things to write about: my musical experience this weekend, my argument with doctor friend this weekend, spending time with someone that I made a great mistake with, this weekend also, and maybe even “On Letting Go.” Urgh… there are just SO MANY things I don’t want to forget. Or rather, so many things I need to dissect to gain some sort of perspective on.

And as per usual I’ve put so much emotion and energy into just ONE construction of the word IMPORT that all the other meanings will be lost. I now have very little mental energy to go about describing the rest. What a half-baked post.

Sometimes I just feel far too verbose. And I haven’t even explained this situation to the full extent I wanted to, explaining it.

I see many upcoming posts this week. Why is there so much to think about lately?