IMPORT.

I’ve known this to be the title for my blog entry for at least a day or two. The latest ‘idea’ to take shape in my world is IMPORT.

im·port

  • to bring in (merchandise, commodities, workers, etc.) from a foreign country for use, sale, processing, re-export, or services.
  • to bring or introduce from one use, connection, or relation into another: foreign bodies imported into the blood.
  • to convey as meaning or implication; signify: Her words imported a change of attitude.
  • consequence or importance: matters of great import.

It has come to my attention recently that I am perhaps of some import to someone that has little to no import to me. But this is a normal daily occurrence in the lives of everyone. Someone can feel like your best friend and yet to them, you are merely just… any other friend. I suppose there is no sense of mutual entitlement. And it would seem to me that this is as common as … well just common. But I actively work *against* this because I always put more, more, more into any given relationship. I never want anyone to feel unimportant. Everyone and everything is important to me. Or I will at least make you feel that way. I never want anyone to feel ignored, hurt, which, like I mentioned previously is a major skill required of my position. You might have four different people telling you things but not one of the four knows of the other’s existence. As in Person A does not know that I also have something pending with Persons B, C, and D. And it is my job to make sure that all four Persons feel like the sole Person A. (Lmao, if I weren’t talking about making it seem like you have my undivided attention this would come across as something akin to polygamy.)

So anyway, it is alarming to me that someone has assigned some level of Import (consequence) to me where I place absolutely nil on them.

To go laymen’s terms… I recently deactivated my Facebook. It was redundant — a mere aggregation of my online presence almost everywhere else. Or otherwise I was just bombarded by too much information that I really prefer not to know. Some things are better a mystery or saved for a proper conversational piece. I get so easily distracted.

Uhm. So anyway, yes. I “deleted” my Facebook in as best a form as is available: deactivation. And one particular person decided to reach out to a friend of MINE (not a friend of theirs, but a friend of mine) to inquire as to whether I had merely deactivated my account or actually removed them. That such a distinction even matters to them is quite telling. My friend sent me the entire conversation and how it played out. Having no other means of reaching me, this person also asked my friend how I’m doing. As though my state of being … matters.

And truthfully none of this would come as much of a shock because yes I’m important to some people (my mom, my brother, etc. etc.) and a great deal of people are important to me (family, friends, coworkers, etc. etc.) but the fact that it’s someone I stopped socializing with is… troubling. I make it a priority to prioritize everyone and everything. Because people are important to me. People are important in general. I never discount anyone. Everyone has something ‘wonderful’ to offer because no two are ever alike. I try very hard to take everyone seriously even if they’re hard to get along with, “weird,” or just strange. No matter how strange, it’s cruel to disregard someone’s importance.

I don’t know… just the fact that this person needed the reassurance that I did not delete them but instead just deactivated my Facebook is… startling. Why does it matter? Why must human fragility exist to the point where there is something different from one to the other? The end fact remains: this person no longer has access to me.

As my friend said though, “I guess it matters because it means you don’t dislike him.” (How badly I wanted to keep the gender of the person completely out of the equation. I don’t think it should matter, but it does bring another level of meaning to the entire situation that I much rather leave out.)

And the truth? I did remove this person as a friend prior to deactivating my account. I do that sometimes… Try to remove the existence of someone from my life. Because their existence in my life affects me (probably negatively) in some way. And my form of coping is to … exit as quietly as possible, in the hopes that I will then be quickly forgotten (this usually works except in the cases where I don’t want to forget them). Out of sight, out of mind. But then I was just fed up with Facebook in general and so out it went from my life along with everyone connected to it.

This access issue is becoming a bit of a problem lately. I’m not so certain I enjoy giving people free reign to construe my thoughts in whichever way they please. The only thing keeping me connected to my Twitter account is the mere fact that I started it in 2007 and it has gained me many friends over time. People I would have never met at UCSB became my friends after following them through Twitter. And then we’ve hung out and there’s a level of care and interest there that exists outside the scope of just the internet. It exists in real space and time.

But also now a lot of other people have access to me that I rather not. I’ve come to accept that a few people will know about my life but there are a few others I just wish… wouldn’t know anything at all.

Anyway. I’ve exhausted this topic.

Pending things to write about: my musical experience this weekend, my argument with doctor friend this weekend, spending time with someone that I made a great mistake with, this weekend also, and maybe even “On Letting Go.” Urgh… there are just SO MANY things I don’t want to forget. Or rather, so many things I need to dissect to gain some sort of perspective on.

And as per usual I’ve put so much emotion and energy into just ONE construction of the word IMPORT that all the other meanings will be lost. I now have very little mental energy to go about describing the rest. What a half-baked post.

Sometimes I just feel far too verbose. And I haven’t even explained this situation to the full extent I wanted to, explaining it.

I see many upcoming posts this week. Why is there so much to think about lately?

You may also like

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *