The Most Painful Thing in the World

Remembering all these things about S. Apart from the fact that he knows the one thing that can destroy me in an instant, emotionally, this is just a small reminder as to why nothing could ever work between us emotionally:

Me: And do you know what? I don’t give a fuck why you like control. That’s not something I care to analyze. I just know I really enjoy it.
Him: Don’t swear at me.
Me: I do all the time.
Me: Natural.
Him: Stop it.
Me: Want me to sugarcoat it or does it just come off as too mean?
Him: It comes off as too mean.
Me: I don’t mean it badly.
Me: I never do.
Him: Don’t care
Him: it’s a perception thing
Him: stop it.
Me: okay
Him: Okay…?
Me: I’m agreeing.
Me: To stop.
Me: You can analyze your control thing, or others that don’t approve of your controlling behavior can analyze it. But this is something I enjoy. So whatever reason you have behind it is your own. And why I enjoy it is mine.
Him: You enjoy it but you can’t commit to it.
Him: I know, I know, that’s not just your fault.
Me: Because I just have one requisite: you have to care about me. And you don’t always.
Him: But I do
Him: and your perception to the otherwise does not give you a right to break that and certainly not in the manner in which you have previously
Me: I’m really very sorry I betrayed you. It’s not even something you should forgive. But I don’t want you to keep hurting me. You reject me fairly often.
Him: True enough
Him: so we should just… part amicably as friends, since we’re mature adults.
Me: You’re not listening to me.
Him: I’m listening.
Me: I don’t want to “part amicably.”
Me: I’ve already said, I want more kindness, I want you to care.
Him: That’s an easy thing for me to promise now, but you need to keep your expectations light especially at first
Me: How can I when you expect so much from me?
Me: “Bri, commit. Be my slave. Be mine only.
Me: I say yes.
Him: You’re right, that’s not fair.
Me: And then you treat me so poorly. You get upset when I commit fully.
Him: It’s not that I get upset
Me: What am I supposed to do? Tell me.
Him: I don’t know any more
Me: And I can try. I shouldn’t even want to try. But I do.
Him: I’m a haze of lust and inconsideration.
Me: Because I enjoy you immensely.
Him: I’ve been hard as a rock for like thirty minutes btw.
Me: Why?
Him: Talking to you
Me: You give me butterflies.

S. always listened to me. The fact that he knows me extremely well … scares me half to death. I’ve never known anyone to know how my mind works as well as he does. He damaged me emotionally so many times…

I don’t think I’ll ever forget when he said the one thing that hurts me most of all. I don’t even want to repeat it. It makes me shake all over. It’s like the key to breaking me. The part of me that keeps me composed and sane just breaks down at the thought. I’m shaking now actually. Thinking about S. makes me want to hold myself and cry. I’ve never relinquished so much control over my entire being… And I’ve never been so submissive to anyone. Anything he said, I would do. I’m not sure I will ever repeat the thing that can hurt me most of all.

Him: I’m talking about my mental perception of your brain
Him: it reminds me of mayonnaise.
Me: …
Me: ok
Him: totally opaque.
Me: wut?
Him: Opaque. Your brain. Mayonnaise.
Him: you don’t let people see you
Him: Why is anybody going to like you if you don’t like yourself? We’re all, eventually, somewhere down the line, second choices.
Me: I like myself plenty. But that’s very little basis for anyone else to like me.
Him: Even if it’s to a figment.
Me: I don’t really want to talk about my mind.
Him: You said we could talk about what I wanted to talk about
Me: Okay you’re right I did
Him: Does it bother you?
Me: Does what bother me?
Him: Nevermind, I know it does.
Me: Wut?
Him: I’ll drop it if you can tell me why it bothers you.
Him: talking about your mind.
Me: It doesn’t bother me.
Him: then why don’t you want to talk about it?
Me: Because it doesn’t change anything.
Him: Yes, because I can’t make you change
Him: That comes from within
Him: You don’t have to change, but you’re unhappy a lot, and it’s because you repeat avoidable negative behavior
Him: Sorry, now I’m playing therapist

Speaking of avoidable negative behavior I feel like I’m really starting to miss S. And I feel like at the drop of a hat I’ll want to go back to him. The way I always go back to all abusive relationships. …This is venturing far too close in territory to divulging the one thing that can hurt me most of all.


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