MonthSeptember 2013


I’m feeling particularly philosophical this week. Also I’m going to blatantly use a quote I read on a friend’s blog:

Grasping at things can only yield one of two results: Either the thing you are grasping at disappears, or you yourself disappear. It is only a matter of which occurs first.
— Goenka

As previously quoted and previously mentioned, I need to remember to feel lightly (though perhaps my usual aim is to feel ‘not at all’ which can be extreme). I feel some affinity for the Buddhist ideas on attachment though I cannot comply so readily without exerting some (gigantic) amount of effort. Relinquishing my tight grasp on things is easier said than done.

I’m being confronted by so many options these days that I feel overwhelmed. But it’s time to start crunching numbers so I can get my shit together.

Mostly I’m finding it hard to consider letting go of some things because I don’t know what the new things that will replace it entail. Major attachment issues. And indecision. Combined yield nil.

I’m just a little bit stressed out by everyone wanting something different from me. Everyone thinks I should do something different. And I don’t know what’s in my best interest.

After my car was hit (by this point it doesn’t even seem a big deal to me) everyone in my family felt entitled in sharing their opinion. My aunt is offering to buy me a new car (within a price limit)/a brand new entry-level BMW or Mercedes. In MY mind, why would I want to trade my ‘fast as fuck’ 5-series BMW (even though YES it is a 2004 and will likely require more and more maintenance) for an entry-level luxury car? I guess in my mind what I have is just GOOD ENOUGH that I’m content.

But the “good enough” is not…. good enough for me, according to my aunt. She’s also the same aunt that’s helping me acquire said condo. It’s like I get it, she wants good things for me. But I feel like I’m being rushed a little. Holy eff.

And my uncle wants to BUY my car from me (I bought it from him when I acquired it in Dec 2010).

A similar thing happened earlier this year when Sandy and Elizabeth met BB. He’s a doctor, has fantastic taste in music, loves to do all kinds of music-related shit (which is on par with my interests), is gorgeous, etc. (Let me not wax poetic about him because he does have many shortcomings.) But the point being is that my two best friends felt he… wasn’t good enough for me. And *I* felt he was GOOD ENOUGH. I mean a doctor at 26?! Gorgeous, hello! And yet still NOT good enough? Who exactly do my friends think I can attract?! (‘Cus in my opinion I’m more hands-off/let good things fall into my lap over time/my hard work will speak for itself/etc.)

These higher than my expectations FOR ME stress me out a little bit. My own expectations ARE so high and yet others’ expectations FOR me are even HIGHER. Wutdafux. How do I actualize those expectations FOR me when those are the things that are just OUT OF REACH and out of my control to accomplish?

I don’t think I’m capable of handling expectations people lay out for me because my own are usually burdensome enough. Rawwrrrr.

Also: I’m severely confused by a few things. But I’d prefer to keep them slightly on the DL without forgetting about them entirely: time, prioritization, interest, curiosity, depersonalization. Ugh… how terribly obscure and yet I’m compelled to secrecy. How frustrating.

And as much as I think I have letting go issues, I wish you could let me go, too.

The obscurity will only increase I think. How un-fun.

What IS fun is this ridiculously funny article about Whole Foods.

Taking A Few Steps Back Before Moving Forward Again

I just read the 9th page into my blog, purely by chance, an entry entitled “Mistaking Motion for Action.” Sometimes I say some enlightening things… “How do you climb a mountain after you’ve fallen off a hill?”

I have since climbed that mountain, and made my way back up onto the hill perched alongside it. Except the hill was never a hill but another mountain, cleverly disguised only because it was alongside a taller, more difficult mountain to climb. I am NOT on a hill, I am on a mountain. And I should be very proud.

OK this extended metaphor is getting pretty sloppy.

BASICALLY… early last year I felt like I was not accomplished enough hence calling my life a HILL… it was subpar in my eyes. And then when I got FIRED I fell off the hill… and then my situation went from good (on top of hill) to REALLY BAD (having to climb a mountain).

Every. single. thing. that life threw at me last year I conquered. (What, ‘cus life is a battle? Sometimes I should just roll my eyes at the shit I say.)

Now I have my job back. I’m THIS CLOSE to moving to a condo (as a comparison to living in my BEAUTIFUL, gorgeous, near perfect, right by the ocean apartment). My financials are already getting back into shape, too. My fitness levels are pretty good. Things are… relatively stable.

However, the funny thing about taking a few steps back and then taking a few steps forward is that you’re right back at where you started. Now I just have to propel myself even further. And I haven’t been doing that these past few months. (Hah, ridiculous how I always feel at a standstill when things are this good, professionally, in my life. Destined for more?)

I’ve been making a lot of mistakes in my personal life. My professional life is going very well again. The facade of my life is going well again, too. But personally… I have made SO MANY MISTAKES this year. I think only my ability to put a stopper on my emotions is what is enabling me to stay composed.

I should be slitting my wrists and crying a river by now.

That’s a bit melodramatic… but explains the extent of my mistakes. I’ve lost a lot of focus. And time is moving so much quicker these days… probably because I work on a set schedule now v. variable work schedule (when I was a manager at Ulta).

The year isn’t over and I know I can still turn things around. Every experience is a growing experience. So I can take those mistakes I made, and NEVER. EVER. repeat them again. How stupid can one person be, after all? (Also, I hold myself to such high expectations that… it’s just not even acceptable to do what I have done this year.)

I just keep wanting to write David a letter, even though he is so stressed out in Berkeley with grad school. I feel like he would understand why it is I find myself WISHING I could cry. My weakness lies in my strength. I keep myself far too composed to really give myself a chance to break down. And if you don’t take a few steps back to analyze a situation you just can’t even take a few steps forward. Standstill.

The discord is killing me.

September Investments


I was doing so well… and by well I mean staying on my clothing budget for the month. Until Sunday night when the Phillip Lim for Target collection came out. AHHHH… I think I got a little overly excited and ordered things I don’t particularly need. The top two rows really illustrate the extent of my needs for the month well… with the exception that the checked wool coat was more an aesthetic based decision. The coat just matched the boots and jeans I was wearing at the time of purchase that I could not leave without it despite the fact that it’s still close to 90 degrees here.

The heels are … amazing! They’re a size 5 (how lucky!), they fit, there’s cushioning at the balls of the feet, and they’re pretty much very bad-ass. The price point was not bad at all either!

Last month I really invested in two new pairs of jeans… and this month my emphasis was on tops for work. Though a few other items manage to sneak in there of course.

“Dark flow”

I just finished reading an entire article about “dark flow” and I cannot for the life of me summarize exactly what it is. I miss watching shows like The Universe and Through The Wormhole. Space fascinates me. Concepts about the universe are so out of my scope that re-watching episodes of these shows is like watching them for the first time because the information still just seems so mind-blowing. My favorite concepts are time (breaking the space-time continuum), black holes, the creation/death of stars, dark matter/dark energy, and parallel universes. I wish my understanding of physics were a little bit greater than it is now. Actually… I have no understanding of physics because I was never required to take a class – not in high-school or college – as my emphasis has always been on the more liberal arts.

Funny though how most of the concepts about space that I enjoy are the ones that are still a bit unknown.

I have no further plans for the rest of the week and I feel at a loss. Except I have a million things piling up at home from not really being there since Thursday of last week, except to work out+sleep. I start to feel inundated by excess. A piling to-do list so to speak. And yet, my week feels so uninspired if I don’t have plans to look forward to which is why I love planning ahead.

There is a broken owl perched at the very top of the building I’m in now. That’s five flights of stairs up just beyond the 10th floor. On the first floor of the roof there’s a wall and so I sometimes go up when I feel like going for a bit of air and movement in my legs. But today for the first time I went up to the second floor of the roof where there is no wall… just open expanse… and the owl. Of course I’m scared of heights so I got this incredible feeling of falling and I began to feel fear even though I was not moving. Sometimes a feeling can suddenly jolt you awake. Now I’m back in the office and my heart still feels like it’s pounding. If only it weren’t so foggy today the view of downtown LA would have been amazing.

In quieter moments I start ruminating in my heart and mind in search of feeling (perhaps so as to avoid boredom). Some things quickly begin to feel far away. And the further away things feel… the more intense my longing becomes. For example, I do miss J but must refrain from dwelling. Dwelling would only cause me to push a matter no longer at hand. Funny how that works. Also funny how I value friendship so highly.

Some people don’t seem to mind distance and space and time. (Are the three really so different? Maybe my mind is still thinking about the universe.) As more time passes, I know I’m creating further distance between my proximity (as a synonym to space) to any possibilities. That’s incredibly vague. It’s sort of a reference to BB whose correspondence I miss.

My hang with Jared on Monday went very well! There’s this ‘conversation chemistry’ that is quite rare. And by that I mean parts of our conversation are mixed in just the right way as to create something new that I find very engaging. And finally after three months I spent time with Moonie! As difficult as she is… there’s just something I love about spending time with her.

Anyway, I hope to not blog for at least a week to let some thoughts simmer OR perhaps even dissipate if I’m lucky. I suddenly feel a need to separate myself from my own silly ruminations.